What love felt like…in ninth grade (part 2)

After deciding to just break it off with W and going on a date with M; surprisingly it was quite nice.

He took me out to fun places, like the park and places to eat. We talked about our lives and what we wanted to do in the future. And he also send me baskets of roses to me and my mother at our apartment. It was always so sweet of him to do these type of gestures.

But needless to say, I know I didn’t love him. I liked M but he felt like hanging out with a friend and not in a romantic kind of way. After 2 weeks, he tried to kiss me a few times and truthfully, it didn’t go well. To him, it did but to me, bleh. And so, as much as how nice he was, I told him, “I’m sorry, but I can’t return your feelings”. He understood and took it nicely and agreed. From then on, sure, I saw him at school and he and I were friends but I gave him some space to heal and let him be on his own without me.

Though it was short, but after that, I tried reconnecting with W. W knew this was me doing a trial run with M and that it was to see if I had feelings for M or if it can develop over time, but it was too hard. I felt as though I did it as a favor to M, to date him, because he begged in school. So, I tried contacting W, and he basically told me, “I’m sorry but I’m already seeing someone in the US”. I hung up and never spoke to him again. I was crushed. I knew that he was hurt too but he also knew M and I wouldn’t last long and that hopefully W and I can be together if I ever moved back to the US (which I did, after 10th grade).

From then on, I was alone again. I was heart broken from W’s decision, but i moved on and life moved on.

This story circles back to K, the guy who was playing soccer and acts like a narcissist because he was so damn smart. During the time of all these breakups I’m going through, during math class, K give me a note and asked me if I was okay and if I needed someone to talk. I answered yes and we talked in the soccer field. It felt nice to be able to let out all your sadness and frustrations to someone I didn’t know. And from then on, we became friends.

He introduced me to his Korean friends and we would all hang out, play video games in the internet cafe, and eat. It was a very casual distraction from all my sad thoughts at the time. So one day after school (after being friends for maybe 4 to 5 months), his friends asked so, “is she your girlfriend?”. I was shook and triggered from that question and I waited for his answer. He looked at me and asked, “so? Do you want to be my girlfriend?”. I didn’t know what to say other than that I was going home because I didn’t feel well. As I left, I heard the guys chilling and talking as if I was already in a relationship with K because everything was so free flowing and natural.

I went home and contemplated, should I date him?

After dinner and just relaxing for a bit, I took out my phone and gave him a call. This was the conversation:
V: Hey.
K: Hey!
V: Um… Were you serious about what you said?
K: For you to be my girlfriend? Yeah.
V: Ask me again.
K: Will you be my girlfriend?
V: I can’t hear you…
K: Will you be my girlfriend?!!
K’s sister: Oh my god, shut the hell up
V: Yes.
K: What?
V: Yes, I’ll be your girlfriend
K: Great, 9 am tomorrow?
V: For what?
K : Our first date
V: Ok…
K: I’ll meet you outside of your condo.
V: Bye. See you at 9.
K: Bye girlfriend~
*Hangs up*

So yes, I said yes. Whoop-di-do…. Well, the relationship was just like any other. We went on dates, held hands, kiss (he was a big kisser and his braces didn’t help). We studied and did homework together. We went to events and shows together. It was nice. We didn’t fight and something we bicker but nothing too major to the point where we fought and I would cry.

While dating K, life was starting to look up, I have a new group of friends. We all hung out together, sleep overs, game nights, movie nights, chilling, baking, cooking. Basically everything and it was nice to feel wanted be people who doesn’t judge you by false information and rumors.

But as long as it goes, New Years Eve came around and my luck ran out.

It was New Years Eve and my friend and I went to one of the tallest condo with the best view of the fireworks and I was so excited.
I was texting my boyfriend K to come meet us up at the location and we were waiting on some people.
Around this time, I wasn’t feeling all those suspicious of my friends being close to my bf. Like they all would talk about other things like video games, or school or Korean culture or anything honestly and it never bothered me to feel like.. threatened.

One person I became close to, her name is C. She was a grade younger than me, half american, half Vietnamese. Very wealthy and very beautiful. She was also very kind. She saw me as her big sister. I met her family a few times and they would go on business trips a lot. With that, they entrusts me to talk care of their home and their daughter, so she called me big sister. I never noticed if she and my bf was getting close. I never had to be and eagle and keep an eye of either of them.

While hanging out with friends, I noticed that whenever K was texting, C would get a message. It seems like a coincidence. So I didn’t think much of it. But there was one strange instance where she told me she could hang out with me because she had to help her mom. But then her mom told me the day before, to keep an eye on C tonight because he had to fly out for a business trip. Why would she lie?

Just when the fireworks are about to go off, C left our group with no warning and we couldnt catch her in time to ask her where she was going and as soon as that happened, I got a call from K and he said,

“I’m sorry but I don’t think we can be together. Let’s break up”. Then he hung up.

I didn’t know what to do other than cry. And as it strikes 12, there was no fireworks. There were big red lanterns floating up into the sky quietly as I cried.

Eighth Grade

Eighth grade was one of my most inactive, quietest, most non exciting time of my life.

After S has abandoned me and the bullying started, I ended my last year of 7th grade with no friends and by myself most of the time. I did make some acquaintances from the grades and other classes that didn’t enjoy the politics of our 7th grade and our school. But regardless, I was pretty much alone.

Once 8th grade started, it felt like I was the girl one more time except with a really bad reputation that i accidentally made for myself. I didn’t talk to anyone, ate by myself during lunch (or with my big sister and her friends in the high school section), and i went home by myself. I didn’t feel sad or afraid of S or anyone for that matter. I did happened to experience S and other girls bullying other girls who happen to interact with me. I cut all ties with them and made her they are always safe. No on should get bullied because they are my friend. But overtime, being myself, i noticed a lot of kids just like me; alone, possibly bullied and isolated.

Let me get this straight, my 8th grade wasn’t bad with me being alone. But this isn’t about me. I want to talk about YS.

YS was an alone Korean girl who was very skinny (most likely anorexic), very beautiful, long black layered hair, tall, and rolled up her uniform skirt to make it shorter.
I noticed her being alone and eating by herself and i just happened to walk up to her and asked her about a class we have together. She seemed very surprised i spoke with her and after that we went home together, hung out in each other houses, grab dinner and study together. Almost like what S and I used to do, but this felt more genuine.

It took me some time to get the courage to ask her why is she alone. But she beat me to it, she said, “so, you’re probably wondering why I’m alone”. I answered yes.

She told me a story that within the international school we attend, most Korean girls stick together like a clique. And as much as she didn’t like those types of groups, there was a sense of community, support and happiness. Everything was great until a lot of the group decided to go to have karaoke and they brought their boyfriends. YS did not have a boyfriend and it seems like during that gathering, her group’s boyfriend took an interest on her (because she was so beautiful). The girls banded together and bullied her, ripped her hair, accused her of their boyfriends either cheating, or breaking up with them for YS. She left the group and stuck to herself.

I could not ever relate to that type of bullying since I have no experienced a physical bullying. I held her and I apologized for all she had to endured by herself.

This has turned her to smoking all the time, not eating and forcing herself to vomit so she can keep being even more skinny. She told me she wanted to cut herself and die. But she met me and didn’t want to leave me alone. But it’s so hard for her.

I didn’t want her to keep living for me. I wanted her to keep living for herself.

Life is hard for her because she is a child of a single mom (very taboo in Korean culture or as she had said because her mother went to divorce her husband and moved to Vietnam for a new life). But they both support and love each other as much as they can and do the best they can. And one day, YS and I went up to the roof to just smoke and looking up at the blue sky.

She told me, she was almost raped by one of the group’s ex boyfriend and she went to go karaoke by herself and the guy spotted her. He took her as a bitch and a slut so he would pay for her time. She kicked him and slapped him and she started beating on her. I was wondering why she seems a bit exhausted and roughed up. But he did not succeed and left her to be wounded.

She told me she wanted to die.

I was speechless once again and said nothing but sat there and held her.

The next day in school, i didn’t see her. I searched her in school and i started to get worried. I ran to her house right after school. Her mom was home and screaming and banging on YS’s door. I saw smoke coming out of her door and we tried our best and smashed the door opened.

Once we got the door opened, we rushed in to from YS laying on her bed peacefully. She seems to have smoked and lit her trashcan on fire and also cut herself with a glass bottle. She passed out from inhaling the smoke. We got her to the hospital and we were just hoping and praying to God, she will be okay. She woke up after a few hours and started to cry when she saw me all full of smoke and tearing up. She knew I went in to get her. She told me, Thank you. Then I went home after a while.

From then on, i didn’t hear from her. I went to the hospital the next day and they said she was discharged. Then i went to her home and the security guard said they already moved out. I believe they probably moved back to Korea. I do have her Facebook and occasionally i see a new photo and she looks healthier and happier and we still talk to each other.

I don’t know if i did anything to make her feel happier or even make an impact on her. But, for that short time being with her, we bonded and all i can say is I am thankful for her to be a part of my memories.