I’m sorry.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Sorry I’ve been so bad at posting more. I can never finish what i started and I’m really trying. I have recently finished going to the therapist about my past and trying to deal with everything you all have seen. But I’ve had to overcome another issue in my life that is very present and recent.
WARNING: Dark thoughts and text. Thanks 

While going to my trip in Vietnam with my family. I was happy.

It felt like nothing that already happened mattered. And it didn’t. I felt free and happy to be able to be blessed with amazing siblings and amazing parents who support me all the way.

All i remember is shopping and eating a lot when I’m there. Playing video games and talking to my FWB at the time after the whole high school incident. I didn’t like to be alone.

My FWB was someone who was close to me. Knew all my troubles and struggles but was always a good friend. He had feelings for me and i knew that. But all i wanted was the attention of a good non abusive boyfriend. So he agreed to be my FWB. He and i started a journal where we would talk about our day and feelings (he and i were long distance and only see each other a few times a month). And it was nice.

He really wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I know he had the best intentions and he was the sweetest and kindest person i know.

But I was selfish.

I was numbed out and just wanted the physical feelings.

After a few months, i broke it off with him because i realized what an awful person i was.

He didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve him. He was too good for me.
He was devastated and wanted me to just take him but that would make me a horrible person. Even when the time is short, i had a good run. I needed to be alone for a while before college starts. And there is no way i can actually see him while I was in school.

It was a good summer fling.

But everyday as it passed. With all the good people around me. Him, my very few friends my family and my siblings.

I didn’t feel like i deserve any of this and everyday in my head, i apologize for being here.

I’m sorry for being here.

Fake 5 (FINAL)

Author’s Note: Hi guys! I’m sorry I’ve been really MIA lately with posting my posts on here and I know a lot of you are frustrated and wanted to read more. I’ve been really in my head and wanted to get away from a while. I was less talkative to many and just wanted to sleep and do nothing.
But I’m starting to get back on my feet. I just finished my last therapy session and I’m feeling a lot better.

So please enjoy the story. This is the final part of the Fake. Thanks!

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We were voted best couple. This is the worst thing that can ever happen to me.
I know things are getting better with T and I. But I also knew it was the end of everything.

I was ready to graduate and have a fresh new start from awful people, rumors, and crappy boyfriend and just everything that is shit to me.

It was the weekend before our senior activity. We were going to do a little dance on a cruise ship. And I wasn’t all that happy because I noticed a lot of people who I called “my friends” were distancing from me. I’m not really sure why. But I honestly was ready for high school to be over.
My weekend was quiet, and I was drinking a bit and was just talking to my sister. My big sister knew how T was treating me and wanted me to break up a long time ago. But I was too kind. And I was getting taken advantage of.
I blame myself and I let it happen.
I finally got a whole lot of courage (probably from the alcohol) to just call my boyfriend and break up with him. I didn’t want to do it through the phone. And I knew that everything I tried to break up with him, he threatened to kill himself.

What type of person puts their loved one in that position??

So I called him and ask him what he’s doing and who he is with. He told me he was with my mom and sister at home chilling. And then I just said it.

“I’m breaking up with you. I’m done. Please leave me alone and don’t call me or talk to me. I want space and you know why.”

I let him say his piece and cry. But i really didn’t care. I was numbed out. He numbed me out.

I hung up the phone and I felt like everything in this world was not against me. I felt free and happy. I was wrong. I was too naive.

I got a call from his sister the day after and she was yelling at me and swearing. And I thought she and I were friends. Not to mention, she has always hated her brother and I was the one that brought them together and made them into a family again. I was that tie. And now she is defending him that I could have caused him to kill himself and asking me why would I ever do that to someone.
Like she ever knew her brother was a selfish piece of shit that like to hit his girlfriend, force her to not go to school, getting bad grades, and just being plain scary and mean and using his girlfriend to do homework.

I know.

I know.

I blame myself too. Im sure many of you who are reading would be like… “well.. you enabled him. You let him do it” I blamed myself so many everyday about why and how I could have avoided this.
But now that I’m grown, all I can think of was, “what type of parent or guardian or older sister or brother would let their son or brother do that to someone else?”

They are mad at me for hurting him for letting him hurt me. As if I created him to be that way.

I do understand that some times, people turn out the way they do not because of their family or people around them. They just turn. But who are we to blame each other… What good does it do?

So after getting an earful from T’s sister. I said Fuck you and hung up. That’s it.

It felt like it was the first time I can smile again and finally be me.

It was the weekday again and the senior class is boarding to the cruise ship for our little senior party. I was sitting by myself with another girl, I’ll call her K. We never really hung out or spoke to each other before, but she was kind enough to be there with me and talk to me. It felt like I was making a new friend.
The ship was started to move and I walked over to the bathroom and when I came back my phone was gone from my bag.
I looked everywhere for it and then T appeared in front of me and said, “I want to talk to you. If we talk, I can give you your phone back”

No. Give it back. I have nothing to say to you. There’s no reason for me to talk to you or to fix anything.

Please, I just want to work things out and be together again. Like old times.

Leave me ALONE AND GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK.

I ran toward him and K held him back (she’s such a good friend) and I got my phone back. I told him to get out of my sight and leave me alone.
That didn’t sit well with all those vultures in my school who happen to really like my now-ex.
I went upstairs of the ship, to avoid the drama and to just sun bath and have a good time in the sun. I was hanging out with a a few friends of mine (that I can proudly say, I’ve been friend over 7 to 8 years now). I decided to go downstairs after relaxing a while and I noticed everyone ganging up on me.

There was this guy who happens to really like my ex, his name is R and his posse that was behind him saying I was a slut and that I shouldn’t treat T the way I did because I cheated.

I was baffled and confused.

The day I was raped, I told my now ex that I was taken advantaged of and now he’s spreading around the school that I was a slut and that I cheated on him and that’s why I’m better off without him and that I was a cheater.

I can not believe this.

It was so stupid and painful that it was almost laughable.

Among R’s posse, one of my best friends (who I thought) was there and she didn’t defend me. She didn’t back me up and she knew me all these years. She knew how he was being mean to me and was hurting me physically. She knew all of us but was too scared to stand up for me.

I was heart broken. I wanted to die. I value friendships very much and I was betrayed so many times. I walked away and kept to myself. And from there, K (the girl I never was friends with or talked to), she told me, “I don’t know you that well. But no one deserves this. I don’t think you did anything wrong.” I cried and she took me home (we apparently lived next to each other.

Time passed, and I was just waiting for my high school graduation to be over. I lost most of my friends and a lot of the kids at my school was cyber bullying me on Facebook, and Tumblr. It was a tough pill to swallow. But I did it.

I walked across the staged, but luckily, I still had friends from other schools and colleges that were there to support me. My parents were there and was so happy and proud of me and everything will be okay.

It’s been…. almost 7 years since that has happened. And I just can’t believe how long I have endured this story in my heart and how much it still hurt when I wrote this.
Thank you for reading. But there are more stories to come.

Lots more~

See you guys soon!

 

 

Fake (Part 4)

WARNING: DISTURBING CONTENT. Please be advised. Thanks

Worst comes to worst is that I am pregnant with my rapist’s child.

I went to the doctor’s the next day. Weirdly, I remember it so clearly. It was on Saturday and it was pretty sunny and warm. I walked to the clinic about 10 blocks away from my house and I made an appointment to see my doctor.

I went in and my doctor already knows I’m sexually active with my boyfriend but also I was somewhat close friends with my doctor. I asked my doctor if she can take a look at this substance that was on my underwear and I wanted to know if it was semen or if it was me.

My doctor thought it was a strange question but I told her I was ignorant and my boyfriend and I had sex and fooled around. What a lie. At the time, I know for sure, if I told them I was raped they would for sure have protocol for it and report it to the police.
She said it was semen and I was horrified inside but kept my cool.

I asked for the morning after pill (Plan B – its a pill most girls take to avoid pregnancy and “accidental” sex without protection, and of course for girls who go out and was unsure if their partner used protection). My doctor asked me if everything was okay and I was a bit fidgety. But I just told her it was the nerves for final exams coming soon.
Today is the day I go see my boyfriend and I thought to myself, “Should i keep this a secret? Will he hit me? Will he still love me? Will anyone still love me?”

After the appointment, I went home and took a lot more showers after yesterday’s fiasco of showers and drove over to my boyfriend’s house. We were watching TV and chilling and I just don’t know why but I started to feel tears rolling down my eyes.
T asked me what was wrong.
And I told him that I had to tell him something.
And that he had to promise to not get mad at me, or hit me, or do anything that might hurt me because I’m just scared.
He promised.
I told him.
He started to cry and held me.
He told me to give him the name of that so called “friend” of mine and he can kick his ass.
Knowing my boyfriend, he wouldn’t win any fights. He might be 6 feet 3. But he was weak and has no body coordination whatsoever.
I told him to drop it and I will never see this guy again.
He agreed to move on and accepted that I am frail and fragile.
So he was careful with me.

I wanted to keep my mind of of things but it was hard.
I started to self harm myself.
My body didn’t feel like my body.
I blamed myself everyday and told myself how stupid  I was and how stupid I have become.

I was always someone who told others to never do it.

I was always that one person that told others it didn’t feel like it helped.

I wish I listened to my own voice.
It didn’t help.
Blood rushing through my wrists, left and right.
I didn’t feel anything.

So I stabbed my left wrist right in the middle of my veins.

It still didn’t help.

I wrapped myself with bandages and mummified myself and stopped.

The next day, it was Monday and I went to school and went to my classes as normal. As if nothing happened this weekend.
Went to my first period and it was AP Biology and we did an experiment with chemicals and I accidentally hurt myself. I cut my finger by mistake and was told to go to the nurses office to get a bandage.

So i went to the nurse’s office and asked for a bandage for my finger I was putting pressure on to stop the bleeding.

Again, it made me feel absolute no freedom or happiness when blood is coming out.

The nurse held my arm and noticed my bandages and asked me what happened and I told her that i was doing yard work with my parents and I hurt myself with poison ivy. She looked at my intensely and knew I was lying.
These were fresh wounds and it was hard to not show any emotions.

The nurse asked me if she can take a look at my injuries and she can put ointment and i told her it was fine, i did it this normal. And she insisted and pulled my bandages.

She saw my mess.

Now I have to clean up my mess.

She quietly took her phone and called in a code. After that, she told me to go back to class and a few people will come looking for me.

I went back to AP Biology and as soon as class was finishing the school  counselor called me to see her in her office now and so i did.
I went to her office and the assistant principal was there and the nurse.
They were talking to me how if they saw a student or anyone on the school grounds having signs of depression, suicidal, or any sort of that, they have to report it and put me in therapy in school with the counselor and in the clinic near my house everyday during school for 2 to 3 hours and after school for an hour.

So from my last semester of school from around March to May, I missed a lot of school and classes. But I was able to keep up and do well on my grades.

I attempted to kill myself again in my bedroom balcony but i knew since I was only on the 3rd floor, I would only hurt myself and not die. So I stopped.

The therapy with the doctor in the clinic was a sham. She let me go after the 2nd session. I didn’t want to deal with it and i told her that I was happy and good and she accepted it and give me release forms to the school.
But I continued my therapy in school, because school was easy for me (as mentioned in my international school, I was studying everything 2 grades higher than my grade). And I really liked talking to the school counselor and she understood.

I told her my struggles and fears.

But not about the abuse or the rape.

By May, she let me go and I stopped cutting myself after the first few times. It seemed like a waste of time for me and didn’t make me feel better.
I was finishing finals and my boyfriend was supportive and nice to me. But around this time, I knew I was going to break up with my boyfriend for good.
So I waited until we were done with finals and there was only our senior pranks, photos, trip, and just graduation.

As finals, we finishing up, my boyfriend and I was approached for a photo shoot for the best couple in the school.
There was a vote and we won.

We were voted best couple.

 

Fake (Part 3)

WARNING: DISTURBING CONTENT

Ever since T has pushed me down the stairs. It’s been hard to get out of bed to go to school. I was just about to get up on my feet and work hard to graduate. But it just seemed so hard to face him.

Ever morning, I would meet the friend that witnessed the incident because he didn’t feel that it was safe for me to go to school on my own. So he was my protector.

I would receive glares and ugly looks for my boyfriend. And I just didn’t want to give him another chance. But I guess over time, I started to fear him and fear that he might kill me if i broke up with him.
After a week, I told my friend that I’m okay and lied that he apologized and he has never done anything to hurt me. I was practically a fake and a liar myself.

After a while, i decided to go back to my abusive relationship with T and he pretended nothing happened and nothing changed and going to school was so normal and no different for him. Almost as if we never left school for the first half of the year. I just numbed out and empty. I just wanted a friend to talk about this to. But at the time, my big sister was in college, so i didn’t see her often and she was having a blast.

What kind of sister or friend would I be to ruin all that about my stupid problems…?

So I kept going and continue to breathe.

So we are finally almost half way of the semester and I’m still afraid. He hugged me and he took me out and things like that. But all I could do was keep a fake smile so he doesnt hit me.

One day, that all changed.

I received a text message one night and it seems like a person who was trying to have a normal conversation with a friend. And i texted them back that they had the wrong person. But for some odd reason, we kept texting each other. It felt nice to text someone without a face to put and a name and to just talk.

It went from texting to calling and he was a nice person, though a lot older than me, i believe he was 28 and I was 17 at the time. But I was okay with having an older friend.

We decided to meet and he took me out to go play bowling and just going to eat at restaurants. It was nice to just deal with a friend and have a friend drive you around. I was stupid. I was okay with just meeting a complete stranger. But I would have done anything to escape my reality of my abusive boyfriend.

With this happening in my life, my boyfriend did not suspect me doing anything wrong and he was treating me like he used to.
As if he loved me again.
I started to feel okay and safe and my smile wasn’t as fake anymore.

I decided to hang out with my friend i met through text and told him the good news. He was very happy for me and wanted me to introduce my boyfriend sometime and we can all hang out. I thought it was a great idea and I was happy my life just decided to work out on its own.

So as my text friend and I drove and went to the bowling alley, it decided to rain really hard and we decided to chill and wait it out in his car. We were talking as normal and he asked me if i was thirsty, I said yes and he got me a soda from the back.

He opened it for me and I took a sip.

After the sip, I told him i’m feeling a bit tired so i wanted to take a nap until the rain stopped. I fell asleep and I started to have some visuals through my blurry vision. And I noticed someone was on top of me.

Everything felt like it was in slow motion and then I noticed it was my text friend on top of me. And he started to thrust into me. I couldn’t move, my body was so weak.

I always even able to yell or lift my arms. I was so scared. I started to cry. He finished and got off of me. It felt like I was in a sleeping paralysis moment, when the nightmares just come to you and there’s nothing you can do.
I knew something didnt feel right.

He drove me home and put me in my porch and rang the doorbell.

He walked off to his car and left.

The last thing I remember was waking up in my bed in the same clothes I was in and something didn’t feel right.

I was raped.

 

Fake (Part 2)

After a few days of waiting for the results, my doctor called me in for an appointment to talk more in depth about what’s going on.

As I went in and sat down at the clinic, i was extremely nervous about everything. How my parents will react if I do have HPV or how disappointed I will be of myself for getting myself into this situation. I’m waiting there to get my name called and my phone is constantly ringing and buzzing from my boyfriend (T).

They called me in.

I walked in and I waited for my doctor to come in.

About 5 minutes later, she comes in and looked me in the eye and told me: “No, you don’t have HPV”.
I was relieved out of my mind.
She told me that one of the strangest thing is that I have not gotten my HPV shot so that’s why they called me in today to just get it done. And they confirmed with me that my boyfriend did have HPV because of the medication name I provided for them that made it 100% certain that he had it and that I wasn’t lying.

I was just in tears and was so happy. I got my shot and walked out of there a free and happy woman.

I contacted T and spoke with him about what happened. He wanted me to forgive him. I didn’t. I could never forgive someone for lying to me that could cause me something as horrible as getting HPV. For his selfish reasons as well. But we both moved on and here’s to the summer.

Summer is going through and we had a blast. My boyfriend and I hung out a lot with my family, and going to amusement parks, dates and or just hiking and hanging out. We have also decided to not kiss or have any physical or sexual activities other than holding hands sometimes. He was sad about it, but it was not his HPV.

During our year of being together, I have realized I was uncomfortable being with him in that sort of way. Any type of intimacy with him, made me feel not at home or just made me not want to do anything.
He let me do what made me feel safe.
But by the end of the summer, all of that changed for the worst.

When school was just starting, i noticed that he always jumping into my conversations with other classmates and never allowed me to talk to anyone. His friends thought he was kidding but he was very forceful to me.
He started to push me, pull me around and yell at me for not being by his side.
It made me not want to go to school and I wanted to avoid seeing him but he made it all so hard.
He started to get lazy in school, forced me to do his projects, homework, and classwork. I was pretty much his slave.

I tried to ask him and talk to him why he is doing this and asking him if something happened. But he just said, he didn’t want to share me.

So the fall semester goes by, I started to go to school less and less. He would make me meet up at the train station near school and we would just not go to school. We would be out going to stores or restaurants he wanted to go to or go to his house as his single mom would work all day. He wouldn’t let me go outside after leaving my house and he just refused to let me go to school.

My parents were seeing a pattern after they were getting calls that I wasn’t in school for 3 months, and my parents started to have a bad feeling about T after the summer. They called the cops on him and forced him to let me go home. I was able to go home safely but he wasn’t too happy about it.

After being kept “captive”, I went back to school. Slowly…

I spoke with the principal of the school and they made me a deal that if I worked hard for the last months of the spring semester, they will let me graduate and not expel me. Fair enough, I thought. And so I did. I worked hard and continued to go to school.

They also made T go to school and he wasn’t much in trouble by anyone since every staff member, teacher and classmates knew him since elementary, so they didn’t think anything of his actions. During school, I tried my best to avoid him and spent more time at school and having my friend’s family drive me home or I would always go home with my best friend, K. So then, I would never be alone.

I needed to find a time to really talk to T and possibly just break up with him. After a while, I decided to text him and talk to him. I told him, can we meet in school and talk and he agreed for us to meet at around 6 am in school before people start coming in. Which is fine to me.

The next day… I’m waiting at school and it is close to 6 am. He shows up by the south stair well of our school and I wanted to talk to him. I thanked him for meeting me and I’m sorry for ignoring him and not talking to him because he scared me. I was talking about my feeling and throughout the time, he did not fletch, or make any movements or even had any emotions on his face. Mind you, he is 6 feet 2 and I’m 5 feet 2, so talking to him was scary. I asked him if there is anything he had to say after I asked him if breaking up was an option. He said no and he wanted to work things out. I told him back that I’m not sure if that’s possible. So he continued to tell me, that I can continue to ignore him and just take my time to forgive him.

I was stupid back then.

I don’t even know why i felt like I loved him.

I disagreed with him and told him I was done.

So he went ahead and pulled my hair and pushed me down 2 flights of stairs.

I was in pain and trying to get up and he walked away. And a student walked by and saw everything. And he came to my rescue and told T to never get close with me again.

I didn’t know this kid much but he was one of my good friends and I was just glad someone witnessed something as bad as that because everyone in school thought they knew T.

But they didn’t know him like I did.

 

Fake (Part 1)

After losing my first love, I was very vulnerable. Weak and wanted attention from someone.

And of course, as you guys can already notice, there’s a lot of stupid decisions I have made. Well… This is also one of them.
I got attention immediately from this guy i met in high school. But personally, if you guys can remember, I really wanted to avoid just meeting or dating guys in the same school as me. But in my stupid mind, he was different.

When my now-ex went to Vietnam and I went to the beach to cry because I got a phone call of him cheating and he wasn’t able to talk to me or confirm with me about anything, so a friend of mine, T, met up with me and talked to me.
He was my rebound.

T was apparently interested in me when I got into the same school as him. And we were never in any classes together until 11th grade. He asked for my number and asked me out and I said yes.
I told him that I most likely said yes because he knows I’m not over my ex and that Im sad and weak and he knew and wanted to take care of me.
We would go on dates, go to the movies, hang out, do homework, he and I watched a lot of anime together (which was great and I felt like I was being myself and healing ok). I avoided a lot of romantic or physical touches because I just wasn’t ready.
I felt bad for T. But he knew what I was going through and I told my plenty of times, if he had waited, I could consider to be in a relationship with him when I was healed but he pushed the fact that he wanted to be with me now.

I also mentioned to him that I’m not sure if I want to continue our relationship after high school, if i felt it wasn’t strong enough and he felt the same way and understood.

So now we can fast forward to a year and we have successfully been dating for that long, with many happy memories, new friends, new adventures and happy thoughts. I have finally gotten over my ex and he and i were good friends.

Though, something strange started happening to me. I felt as though T was being a bit pushy as to who I hang out with and when I should leave his house after school and was just very obsessive and possessive.

I didn’t think any of it and I went along with my relationship with him.

I had a few concerned in my mind when I was dating him. His living situation was not ideal so he taught me how to steal from grocery stores and markets to get food to cook or for dinner. The adrenaline rush was so fun but it wasn’t fun till we got caught and was arrested. We were banned from going to the market for a year or 2. But after all these years, they didn’t catch us until our maybe 20th or 30th stealing spree.

And now that it has been a year, I was healed and was ready for him to touch me and do whatever couples do when they really like each other. We would make out and have sex (tmi) and many other things. But then suddenly, I noticed T has been taking medication almost 3 times a day with food. I’m not with him for most of the day except near the end of the day and now I realized, that T might be sick.

I asked T about it and he told me it wasn’t anything too serious. So one day, when we finally did it (like…. doing it). It was good and how it should be. But then he started to cry and told me he had HPV. He got it from his mother after birth.

I was shocked. And I knew all about it. And apparently for him, blood comes out to his saliva and bodily fluids. I was afraid I might have HPV. So I went to the doctors. At the time, HPV was a newer thing. They were starting to make sure infants get the vaccines to fight it at an early age.
When I want to the doctors, I was honestly sure I never got a vaccine for it.

I was right.

The doctor was very concerned and got me tested and I was eerily waiting for the results to come. I was afraid, I knew I had a weak immune system.

I decided not to see my boyfriend for the next few days trying to rethink everyone i knew with HPV (At the time) and their lifestyles and everything.

I hated him for doing this to me.

Just because we love each other…doesn’t mean we were meant for each other

(Warning: 18+ content on this post. Very little though, like 1 sentence. Thanks!)

After breaking it off with K, i wasn’t upset and sad because to me, he was only a friend. But after he moved on and out of my parent’s property, he also just ignored me throughout the school year. Not in a sense of “I hate you”, it was more like a “We’re strangers now, but I will be polite” type of way.

Which is fine by me. Our friendship never really blossomed to that point where I cared much about it.

I wanted to stay away from the people in the school for a bit… with the whole stalking and boyfriend pushing. Like… it wasn’t good for my health. So i tried my attention to video games, like Maple Story and Bomberman and other web games on Facebook and also on OMGPOP. Throughout using OMGPOP, I made a very close friend and we can call him V (lol that’s funny) and just became good friends and played games.

He was living in Rhode Island and we were the same age and we never really chatted too much after we started to play games more. We got to knew each other and in hopes to maybe meeting one day. It started with games, chat, skype, video chat then phone call.
But I will leave this story at that 😉

So as you can see, my new friends and time went all to online gaming.

I reconnected with friends who went to elementary school with me and i just chatting with people most of the time online. So I started talking to my friend T and she was telling me she would always walk by my house to hang with her friend H and another friend that lived near by.

I thought that was cool and thought nothing of it. So I noticed that every time i walk home from school,  there is this really big asian guy walking on the opposite side of the street as me and he was look at me. And I thought that was weird. I went home and went online and my friend T told me, that H noticed I was really cute and that he wanted to get to know me.
To me that was weird, and i asked how did he see me? And she said by my computer room window (it was facing the main street) and that H was the guy walking along the street with me heading to a friend’s house. T told me that he was going to “stalk” me. I didn’t think that was funny. Considering all of my experiences, and so he just continued to always walk by my house and stare at my window.
I wasn’t exactly threatened or scared because he was a close friend of my friend. And one day, it was rainy and he’s been looking at my for over 2 weeks. I went outside to ask him, “why do you keep coming to my house to look at me? You’re going to get sick Go home”. And he said he would go home if I exchanged phone numbers with him and chat with him on Facebook.

No harm done, and i agreed. And from then on, he messaged me and texted me as normal. Like normal friends. He made me feel like, wow high school isn’t so bad as long as you are friends with people outside of school.

So he would come by with friends, pick me up and we would all hang out.

I had a blast. I started to hang out with him more after school. I decided to take a bus that takes me to the closest bus or train station where I can head over to his town (it was maybe 2 to 3 towns over) and I would meet up with him and we would chat. I met up with his friends, we all hung out, i met all his siblings (they were all so sweet.) and then one day he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was so long ago, but it came out naturally and I already felt like I was a part of his life.

He was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It wasn’t hard to adjust my life around meeting him after school and going home late at night. He would always take me home, the best and safest way he can and call me when I’m walking. I never felt so happy.

Did you guys remember when I mentioned my cherry was popped by S (the guy with the girlfriend that didn’t tell me). Well with H, I lost my virginity.

He made me feel safe and I was happy. I never knew it was possible to feel like life was so amazing and worth living. Not because of the love and affection I received but he made me become a better person. I learn more of myself every day and grew confidence everyday.

After dating him for a few months, I introduced him to my parents. Everyone loved him. My siblings did, he went to church so he was a big part of the community, he was a good boy, going to college, working, and being a great boyfriend to me and making fun conversations with my parents (which they love since he spoke amazing Vietnamese and English). To me, he was the one.

And he felt the same way.

Over time, many months passed, i ignored my high school life, grades were great, i was not gaining weight, i went to work, i volunteered, helped out my family and had time to be with my boyfriend. Life was perfect.

We did bicker and fight sometimes, like all couples do, but he always made sure he was sorry and that I made sure I was sorry too. We understood each other in a level where being together felt easy and smooth. Everything was almost perfect.

Then summer came…

It has been 1 year since we since dating and we were happy as ever. Not bored of each other and always wanting more of each other. But he had to leave to Vietnam to meet his biological father for the first time. I knew we wouldn’t be able to talk to meet each other for the next 3 months but I was okay with it. Because I trusted him.

In the middle of June, I got a call from H’s cellphone and it was his mom. His mom always liked me, but she had a resting bitch face. But always kind. I knew she had her doubts with him dating me because his family was in poverty and she knew what family I came from and our businesses.

In the phone call, she called me saying H is in Vietnam at the club with other girls. And he’s cheating on me. I asked her… what?? and she hung up.

I was so confused as to what happened. And he was unable to call me or message me throughout those 3 months and it made me feel insecure.

During that time, it’s summer and i went to the beach a lot and spent my time sitting on the bench and listening to music and crying. I also made a few friends and one of them that I was close to is named T (very important, new person, it’s a dude). I knew he had a crush on me and even asked for my number formally in front of our grade (the story wasn’t worth it’s own post) and so he texted me what I was doing.

Told him I was at the beach, sulking and sobbing and he came down there and just sat with me and chat. No sexual advances at all whatsoever. But I did feel better just talking to someone.

So H came home and he felt distant. He wouldnt talk to me and he wouldnt even look at me. I asked him if something happened when he was in Vietnam and any mistakes that was made can be discussed about. He just wouldn’t talk. And we were like this for a good last month before September hit.

I was sad and I told him, if he came talk to me about it, how can we be together. It’s affected our relationship and I want us to be together. And I wondered if it was because we were just too young and immature to talk about it. He agreed. And I just speechless.

All these secrets, made me sad and cry and hyperventilate. I just didn’t know how to calm myself down. So we came to the conclusion to break up. My first true love.

He told me to meet up with on at the bus stop, dress nice and it will be our last date of your relationship. And I agreed to do so. There was no fighting, there was not bickering or yelling. Nothing was fake.

I met up with him with a dress, i dolled up and he was in a nice clean up outfit. He looked so handsome. He took my hand and took me to a Thai restaurant and paid for it. I was surprised because throughout our relationship, we barely went out but i never asked for it. I was happy to be just with him. And after the restaurant, he took me down memory lane and even to all the places we short memories in. It was a sweet and wonderful day. It almost made me forget that after today, we will be strangers.

He walked me to the bus stop as it was approaching the last few minutes of our date…. of our relationship. He said good bye and we kissed. The bus was arrived and he took me by the hand there and let go. As soon as that happened, he looked at my eyes with tears and i couldnt help to cry as well. The bus drove off and he waved good bye. I sobbed and cried quietly as there are people on the bus. But I wasn’t sad. I was happy and grateful for the memories we made and had.

He gave me life and made me a better person. Even to this day, this story pains my heart and i guess even if we love each other so much and knew we should be together. But in this life, we were not destined to be together.

Push

After starting 10th grade, I realized I was not as strong as I was in middle school. I wasn’t fearless, courageous, and I was weak. I started to feel emotions and was hurt by certain things like love and friendship. These types of things were starting to matter to me more than I ever thought it could.

I was feeling lonely when I didn’t have friends or felt lonely when there was no one to talk to. These useless feelings meant something to me.
Going to school… was empty to me.
I went to class, did my homework and project, go home and eat and sleep. Same things just repeat. But that all changed when I went to my first period (math) and someone tossed me a little note to my desk.

I was a bit flustered because I thought it was a bee or a fly. But I noticed it was this very small white paper tossed over to me. I looked around and everyone in my class seems to be minding their own independent work and I noticed one guy sitting diagonally from me and he was looking at me a few times.

I opened the note and it said Hi! My name is K. Are you new here?

And I looked back and I do remember this guy’s name when we had to do an icebreaker in class. He was average looking Vietnamese guy. He was originally from Vietnam so his English was a bit hard to understand. He played a lot of soccer and I noticed him when I was hanging out with the seniors and juniors after school and we would watch people play soccer. But I never really took notice of him.

He’s not a bad looking guy but I didn’t know him.

I took a pink piece of my journal that i brought to school to keep track of homework and stuff and I wrote back introducing myself. I think after that, we were doing it for a whole 3 weeks until we were able to hang out or talk.
He was the first to initiate.

After a few weeks, our math period was ending and he walked up to my desk and asked me, “Hey, do you wanna hang out after school?” And I said sure. So that’s what we did, we hung out, we talked, and it wasn’t so hard to just hang out with him and get to know him. We only hung out for a few weeks after the note passing and then he asked me out. I said yes.

It was just that simple.

We both took interest in each other and it was very comfortable to talk and walk together.

Funny thing is that i found out he was one of the tenant’s son that was living in one of my dad’s properties and that K actually helped my dad with building a lot of things when I was in Vietnam. Though it was for a job and money, but it was nice for someone I know to help my dad out with work.

So overtime, weirdly, I started to notice something. I didn’t like to hold his hand or kiss him. I think I was starting to wonder what sort of comfort did I feel from him. It started to feel like a friendship more than a relationship and almost as if i saw him as a brother and not a boyfriend.

It started to sicken me.

But luckily, it’s been 2 months and we were not so deep in the relationship and I wasn’t so invested in our time together (as cold as its sounds, it’s true). So one day while walking home, he pushed me against a building and tried to kiss me and it was the last straw.

I pushed him gently and told him, that i dont think we can work out. I think we can only be friends because i only see him as family. We talk so comfortably and i can’t think of holding hands or kissing him without feeling sick to my stomach. Unfortunately he didn’t take it too well.

He started to yell and push me back and forth. This was not the reaction I was expecting. I thought he was on the same level of likeness in our relationship, but i was terribly wrong. He had strong feelings for me but didn’t know how to show it. He was rocking me left to right and up and down and I just felt so scared and sick. Then he pushed me down so hard onto the ground because i refused to be with him. He pushed me so hard that my left shoulder hit so hard to the cement stone on the sidewalk and i started to bleed and bruise. He looked like he felt no remorse.

As he was able to walk away from me. He saw his father walking toward our path. He was meeting up with my dad at my house to pay for the rent and saw what his son has done to me. He pulled onto K and slapped him. He apologized to me and walked away.

I actually don’t know what happened to his family but I heard from my dad, they decided to move out after and said that K’s dad looks guilty but my dad was wondering if there was damage to the apartment (which there wasn’t).

So I didn’t tell anyone about this other than my sister and one of her closest senior friends. I just told him he pushed me but I was okay.

And one day, we were going prom dress shopping for my sister’s senior year, I was trying out some dresses for fun.

My sister, our friend, and I were in the same dressing room and as I was undressing, they both saw the big bruise and covered at least my whole shoulder blade to the middle of my back. I was dressing up and I heard someone sobbing behind me.

I saw my friend crying and she started to apologize to me.

I didn’t know why.

It wasn’t her fault or anyone’s for that matter.

It was mine.

United States of America

WARNING: Some awkward sexual descriptions in here. You have been warned.

 

After having to leave Vietnam to go back to school in the US, most people would say to me, “wow you must be relieved, from all that you went through.”

No.

Not really.

I didn’t feel happy, relieved and de-stressed. I felt normal. I just knew it was going to happen and I knew I was going to move. It was no surprise to me that it was going to happen.
So when I moved to the US, i moved to the same ol’ neighborhood… very ghetto, unclean, trashy, lots of gangsters and what not.
But I grew up there so it wasn’t too much of a difference. The only difference was our home. It was pretty crazy to me to finally have a place to call him for more than 2 years because my family was always moving around. I never felt like I had a home.

So once my sister and I announced we were back in the US. A lot of our old elementary friends came to meet us and want to hang. So some of them met up with us in front of our house and we would talk and catch up. It was nice to be able to start somewhat fresh in the US and start 10th grade.

When being greeted, I got a message from W on my phone (the one I was some what dating online but it didn’t work out because he got someone in person and I did too). He messaged me saying we should meet up and hang. I was excited because whether or not we decided to be with each other. I knew I wanted to see him.
Following the next day, it was a pretty nice summer day, not too hot, and not to cold. It was my first time taking the train and I was a bit anxious at first. But I have always been good at navigating to places and knowing where to go and plan ahead.

So I transferred 2 train lines to get to meet W. He was waiting for me outside my stop. I told him hi and he hugged me. It felt… amazing and warm. We hugged for a second and walked to his house. We were talking as if everything was normal and as if nothing happened between us.

We talked about how his love life was and he said he was single. And I was happy.
We walked and talked and we reached to his house. We ended up playing games at his house and watching a movie. And while we were starting to watch a movie in his living room, he wanted to move into his bedroom (actually it was his parent’s bedroom, i didn’t know at the time, but he lied). So we went into the bedroom and watched the movie on a laptop. It was nice and dark and he started to cuddle me and things escalated.
To avoid any awkward sexual explanation, he basically popped my cherry (sorry not sorry).

But we didn’t actually “do it”, he just “popped my cherry”. And while doing so, we made out and i made him finish on himself. How? By laying on him.

I didn’t actually do anything.

So, while this is done (sorry guys for the graphic imagery). Went to go clean up and I was in pain. I got out of the bathroom and he got a call from someone. And after the phone call, i asked him, was it his parents? (I was afraid they were coming home) and then he said, “that’s my girlfriend”.

I was shocked. And I was stunned. He lied to me. He told me he was single.

After he said that, i yelled at him and left.

I cried and I was heartbroken. Was he always in cruel?

So, once I got home, i got a text from him, he apologized and knowing that he took my virginity, it’s pretty ridiculous to me. But I blamed myself.. I was stupid.
He called me and invited me to hang out with him and his best friend and some other friends.

And I knew I should have said no. But I said yes.
Fast forward to a few days after, I met up with W and met his best friend S and a girl. I dont know who that girl was but W introduced me to his GIRLFRIEND. I was shocked. He actually brought his girlfriend and he was trying to hook me up with his best friend….
I didn’t know what to do or say other than be polite and be friends.
She gave me a lot of stank eye, as if she knew. I wouldn’t doubt it if she did. But she didn’t seem to really like me. And W’s best friend seems to really be into me. So from there, i hung out with them for 3 weeks or a month and the W’s best friend asked me out.

His name was S. He was a good guy, Russian, cute, kind, a gentlemen. So I said yes out of a wham to just try to forget W and just have a fun summer before I start school. We started dating knowing he and I will only be a summer fling. But it only lasted like 2 weeks. I found out he had a side chick… like what? What is wrong with me? We broke up with not too many bad and negative feelings because i didn’t really like him while dating him. He was kind of a dick, kissed back and just kind of weird and rude to his parents.

So after the quick fling, I went home and relaxed. I used to have a Tumblr. I had a lot of things to write, such as this and about my life. But all of a sudden i noticed getting a lot of messages and comments. And they were all calling me ugly, and that I needed to die and that I’m a boyfriend stealer.

Strangely enough, i believe W’s current girlfriend, was told by him about what happened between he and I. So I was getting cyber bullied. I was afraid for my life.

They threatened to kill me and finding my family and all those things. I cut all ties with W and S and all their friends and shut down my Tumblr. It was too much for me to handle.

So I decided to spent most of my time at home or with my sister and family and wait till September comes.
That was just the beginning of everything. Rumors spread and everyone knew who I was. W ruined my life and so did his girlfriend. Everyone, who was living in my neighborhood and the city knew me as the Boyfriend Thief.

Everything I said became a lie to people and no one respected me or my story.

Suicide

Before I jump into any new stories while being in the US, something did happen while I was in 9th grade. Sorry for the late post about this. With the storm and blizzard over the Northeast, it’s been hard to get connectivity and I was slammed with work. And I was also making excuse for this particular post because I guess I’m afraid of it. Well…. too long over due…. I’ll get right into it.

It happened after when my ex boyfriend K and my ex close friend C got together and cheated behind my back. I wasn’t so depressed about the breakup, but I wasn’t doing so well in school.

As many of you have already know, I haven’t really touched upon the topic about homework, education, and or my classes and projects. But school over there is wicked hard af.
School was unbearable.
I was feeling negative feelings with school when I got to 9th grade. In 9th grade, what you’re learning is 11 grade stuff. To my surprise when I moved to the US after 9th grade, I’ve already learned everything up until 2nd year of university.
It’s crazy how the education differs between other countries.

So as I mentioned, school was hard. Getting good grades was hard. And once I got to 9th grade, i wasn’t doing so well. Getting Cs and Ds. So my parents weren’t exactly happy with my grades and my report cards.
When living in Vietnam, I was living with my mom and my siblings (big sister, little sister and little brother) and for my dad, he would come every once or twice a year throughout those 3 years of me living there.
So around after winter break, my dad came to Vietnam for Christmas and he was not happy with my grades. He cried and yelled and said I would be a failure if i kept this up. It was a sad day for all of us. We were being lectured and yelled at. I didn’t refuse it or fight back…. it’s because I knew i deserved it and I didn’t work hard enough.

Around this time, I felt numbed out. I wouldn’t say I was depressed because of my parents but because I made them unhappy. The worst feeling is to come see your family in Vietnam knowing your kids are getting crap grades when you sent them there for a better life and to learn and be smart. I felt ashamed to put my parents in tears and with so disappointment.

I wouldnt say I planned it all out but I wasn’t feeling so happy. So it may have been almost like an impulse. After school, i asked my friend who lived in this 15 floor condo if I can go to the roof to chill, so she gave me access to her condo. Once you’re in, you’re in.
I got in and went to the roof. The roof can only be access by like security or personnel of the building; but the door wasn’t lock. It never is. Lucky me.

I went up there sitting and looking up at the blue skies and looked at the white clouds floating by with no care in the world. I wanted to be the clouds in the sky also.
I’m extremely and deathly afraid of heights but at the moment in time, all i wanted was the pain to go away. Thoughts went through my head like… “I wish i never dated this guy”, “why did she bully me?”, “why am I so stupid that I can’t get good grades?”, “mom and dad and all my siblings are better off without me”.

I jumped.

With my eyes closed…

Suddenly when falling for a few seconds, I felt so free and happy. But I was also scared and the falling felt like forever. But i suddenly felt my body slow down, my uniform slowly losing air and they were not flying and then my body slammed on a slab of concrete.

I was in a lot of pain and I looked up. I jumped from the 16th floor (the roof was the extra flight of stairs from the 15th floor) an landed on this weird big piece of concrete sticking out of the building on the 14th/15th floor. I mean it hurt, falling for a foot to 2. But, the only think i thought about was jump and let go.

“What a weird building”, I thought.

And I started to laugh so hard, no tears but I was laughing because my attempt to die was so laughable.

I’m not a religious person but the thing I remember saying was, “maybe God is telling me I should live and that I will do greatness in life”.

Or that I was stupid to have jumped and not look down before jumping.

After laughing and laying down there because all my body hurts, I managed to climb back up to the 16th floor and locked the door, and went out and took my bike from my school and went home without saying a word to anyone.
The next day was a weekend and I spent it with my family like normal and went to school.

Not long after, I moved back to the US to start 10th grade.