I’m sorry.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Sorry I’ve been so bad at posting more. I can never finish what i started and I’m really trying. I have recently finished going to the therapist about my past and trying to deal with everything you all have seen. But I’ve had to overcome another issue in my life that is very present and recent.
WARNING: Dark thoughts and text. Thanks 

While going to my trip in Vietnam with my family. I was happy.

It felt like nothing that already happened mattered. And it didn’t. I felt free and happy to be able to be blessed with amazing siblings and amazing parents who support me all the way.

All i remember is shopping and eating a lot when I’m there. Playing video games and talking to my FWB at the time after the whole high school incident. I didn’t like to be alone.

My FWB was someone who was close to me. Knew all my troubles and struggles but was always a good friend. He had feelings for me and i knew that. But all i wanted was the attention of a good non abusive boyfriend. So he agreed to be my FWB. He and i started a journal where we would talk about our day and feelings (he and i were long distance and only see each other a few times a month). And it was nice.

He really wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I know he had the best intentions and he was the sweetest and kindest person i know.

But I was selfish.

I was numbed out and just wanted the physical feelings.

After a few months, i broke it off with him because i realized what an awful person i was.

He didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve him. He was too good for me.
He was devastated and wanted me to just take him but that would make me a horrible person. Even when the time is short, i had a good run. I needed to be alone for a while before college starts. And there is no way i can actually see him while I was in school.

It was a good summer fling.

But everyday as it passed. With all the good people around me. Him, my very few friends my family and my siblings.

I didn’t feel like i deserve any of this and everyday in my head, i apologize for being here.

I’m sorry for being here.

Love not deserved

Warning: Adult content and language 

After high school graduation, I lost touch with everyone I went to school with. I continued to be friends with one or two of the only people from my school what was not involved in the drama and didn’t judge me for who I am.

I left school feeling free but at the same time, i felt worthless.

I was thrown away like garbage and no one turned around to take a second look.

I decided that I didn’t deserve love. The way I was treated, raped, abused… It didn’t feel like I really deserve to get any love from anyone. It scared me but at the same time, it numbed me. I started to whore myself around.

Not to that extent, but I was more scandalous and more flirtatious to older men after school and i even found myself someone who was my friend to be my sexual partner.
This friend of mine was very good to me but i knew he wanted more. He wanted me to be his girlfriend, even after all those things I went through.
I decided to toy with him as a sexual partner.
I would go out to hang out with him, and do all kinds of things. I started to feel better. He made me feel happy, and treated me like a princess.

This feeling went on for a good few months after graduation. And I started to realized, i might just be thrown out again. I’m worthless.

I was just a waste of time for someone until they wanted to start to beat me again.

I decided to sever all ties with him after him being my sexual partner. He wanted to remain friends and continue to like me.

So i just let him do as he please. But I didn’t let him pursue me or allowed him to take me out. I just distanced myself.

During the first few months after graduation, I left to go to Vietnam from July to September (before going to college). My parents knew that I needed a fresh start and spend some time with family.

They wanted me to see my grandmother, and have a good time in the city, travel, go to the beach and not have to worry about travel, money, food and just enjoy myself. It was hard at first, but I managed to really have a good time.

My family was my salvation.

They saw the death in my eyes everyday from the time I woke up till the time I go to sleep.

It was hard to hide my feelings.
Everyone in my family was so worried I might try to kill myself.

A lot of those thoughts have passed by my mind.

A lot.

And I’m sorry. 

 

Fake 5 (FINAL)

Author’s Note: Hi guys! I’m sorry I’ve been really MIA lately with posting my posts on here and I know a lot of you are frustrated and wanted to read more. I’ve been really in my head and wanted to get away from a while. I was less talkative to many and just wanted to sleep and do nothing.
But I’m starting to get back on my feet. I just finished my last therapy session and I’m feeling a lot better.

So please enjoy the story. This is the final part of the Fake. Thanks!

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.

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We were voted best couple. This is the worst thing that can ever happen to me.
I know things are getting better with T and I. But I also knew it was the end of everything.

I was ready to graduate and have a fresh new start from awful people, rumors, and crappy boyfriend and just everything that is shit to me.

It was the weekend before our senior activity. We were going to do a little dance on a cruise ship. And I wasn’t all that happy because I noticed a lot of people who I called “my friends” were distancing from me. I’m not really sure why. But I honestly was ready for high school to be over.
My weekend was quiet, and I was drinking a bit and was just talking to my sister. My big sister knew how T was treating me and wanted me to break up a long time ago. But I was too kind. And I was getting taken advantage of.
I blame myself and I let it happen.
I finally got a whole lot of courage (probably from the alcohol) to just call my boyfriend and break up with him. I didn’t want to do it through the phone. And I knew that everything I tried to break up with him, he threatened to kill himself.

What type of person puts their loved one in that position??

So I called him and ask him what he’s doing and who he is with. He told me he was with my mom and sister at home chilling. And then I just said it.

“I’m breaking up with you. I’m done. Please leave me alone and don’t call me or talk to me. I want space and you know why.”

I let him say his piece and cry. But i really didn’t care. I was numbed out. He numbed me out.

I hung up the phone and I felt like everything in this world was not against me. I felt free and happy. I was wrong. I was too naive.

I got a call from his sister the day after and she was yelling at me and swearing. And I thought she and I were friends. Not to mention, she has always hated her brother and I was the one that brought them together and made them into a family again. I was that tie. And now she is defending him that I could have caused him to kill himself and asking me why would I ever do that to someone.
Like she ever knew her brother was a selfish piece of shit that like to hit his girlfriend, force her to not go to school, getting bad grades, and just being plain scary and mean and using his girlfriend to do homework.

I know.

I know.

I blame myself too. Im sure many of you who are reading would be like… “well.. you enabled him. You let him do it” I blamed myself so many everyday about why and how I could have avoided this.
But now that I’m grown, all I can think of was, “what type of parent or guardian or older sister or brother would let their son or brother do that to someone else?”

They are mad at me for hurting him for letting him hurt me. As if I created him to be that way.

I do understand that some times, people turn out the way they do not because of their family or people around them. They just turn. But who are we to blame each other… What good does it do?

So after getting an earful from T’s sister. I said Fuck you and hung up. That’s it.

It felt like it was the first time I can smile again and finally be me.

It was the weekday again and the senior class is boarding to the cruise ship for our little senior party. I was sitting by myself with another girl, I’ll call her K. We never really hung out or spoke to each other before, but she was kind enough to be there with me and talk to me. It felt like I was making a new friend.
The ship was started to move and I walked over to the bathroom and when I came back my phone was gone from my bag.
I looked everywhere for it and then T appeared in front of me and said, “I want to talk to you. If we talk, I can give you your phone back”

No. Give it back. I have nothing to say to you. There’s no reason for me to talk to you or to fix anything.

Please, I just want to work things out and be together again. Like old times.

Leave me ALONE AND GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK.

I ran toward him and K held him back (she’s such a good friend) and I got my phone back. I told him to get out of my sight and leave me alone.
That didn’t sit well with all those vultures in my school who happen to really like my now-ex.
I went upstairs of the ship, to avoid the drama and to just sun bath and have a good time in the sun. I was hanging out with a a few friends of mine (that I can proudly say, I’ve been friend over 7 to 8 years now). I decided to go downstairs after relaxing a while and I noticed everyone ganging up on me.

There was this guy who happens to really like my ex, his name is R and his posse that was behind him saying I was a slut and that I shouldn’t treat T the way I did because I cheated.

I was baffled and confused.

The day I was raped, I told my now ex that I was taken advantaged of and now he’s spreading around the school that I was a slut and that I cheated on him and that’s why I’m better off without him and that I was a cheater.

I can not believe this.

It was so stupid and painful that it was almost laughable.

Among R’s posse, one of my best friends (who I thought) was there and she didn’t defend me. She didn’t back me up and she knew me all these years. She knew how he was being mean to me and was hurting me physically. She knew all of us but was too scared to stand up for me.

I was heart broken. I wanted to die. I value friendships very much and I was betrayed so many times. I walked away and kept to myself. And from there, K (the girl I never was friends with or talked to), she told me, “I don’t know you that well. But no one deserves this. I don’t think you did anything wrong.” I cried and she took me home (we apparently lived next to each other.

Time passed, and I was just waiting for my high school graduation to be over. I lost most of my friends and a lot of the kids at my school was cyber bullying me on Facebook, and Tumblr. It was a tough pill to swallow. But I did it.

I walked across the staged, but luckily, I still had friends from other schools and colleges that were there to support me. My parents were there and was so happy and proud of me and everything will be okay.

It’s been…. almost 7 years since that has happened. And I just can’t believe how long I have endured this story in my heart and how much it still hurt when I wrote this.
Thank you for reading. But there are more stories to come.

Lots more~

See you guys soon!

 

 

Fake (Part 4)

WARNING: DISTURBING CONTENT. Please be advised. Thanks

Worst comes to worst is that I am pregnant with my rapist’s child.

I went to the doctor’s the next day. Weirdly, I remember it so clearly. It was on Saturday and it was pretty sunny and warm. I walked to the clinic about 10 blocks away from my house and I made an appointment to see my doctor.

I went in and my doctor already knows I’m sexually active with my boyfriend but also I was somewhat close friends with my doctor. I asked my doctor if she can take a look at this substance that was on my underwear and I wanted to know if it was semen or if it was me.

My doctor thought it was a strange question but I told her I was ignorant and my boyfriend and I had sex and fooled around. What a lie. At the time, I know for sure, if I told them I was raped they would for sure have protocol for it and report it to the police.
She said it was semen and I was horrified inside but kept my cool.

I asked for the morning after pill (Plan B – its a pill most girls take to avoid pregnancy and “accidental” sex without protection, and of course for girls who go out and was unsure if their partner used protection). My doctor asked me if everything was okay and I was a bit fidgety. But I just told her it was the nerves for final exams coming soon.
Today is the day I go see my boyfriend and I thought to myself, “Should i keep this a secret? Will he hit me? Will he still love me? Will anyone still love me?”

After the appointment, I went home and took a lot more showers after yesterday’s fiasco of showers and drove over to my boyfriend’s house. We were watching TV and chilling and I just don’t know why but I started to feel tears rolling down my eyes.
T asked me what was wrong.
And I told him that I had to tell him something.
And that he had to promise to not get mad at me, or hit me, or do anything that might hurt me because I’m just scared.
He promised.
I told him.
He started to cry and held me.
He told me to give him the name of that so called “friend” of mine and he can kick his ass.
Knowing my boyfriend, he wouldn’t win any fights. He might be 6 feet 3. But he was weak and has no body coordination whatsoever.
I told him to drop it and I will never see this guy again.
He agreed to move on and accepted that I am frail and fragile.
So he was careful with me.

I wanted to keep my mind of of things but it was hard.
I started to self harm myself.
My body didn’t feel like my body.
I blamed myself everyday and told myself how stupid  I was and how stupid I have become.

I was always someone who told others to never do it.

I was always that one person that told others it didn’t feel like it helped.

I wish I listened to my own voice.
It didn’t help.
Blood rushing through my wrists, left and right.
I didn’t feel anything.

So I stabbed my left wrist right in the middle of my veins.

It still didn’t help.

I wrapped myself with bandages and mummified myself and stopped.

The next day, it was Monday and I went to school and went to my classes as normal. As if nothing happened this weekend.
Went to my first period and it was AP Biology and we did an experiment with chemicals and I accidentally hurt myself. I cut my finger by mistake and was told to go to the nurses office to get a bandage.

So i went to the nurse’s office and asked for a bandage for my finger I was putting pressure on to stop the bleeding.

Again, it made me feel absolute no freedom or happiness when blood is coming out.

The nurse held my arm and noticed my bandages and asked me what happened and I told her that i was doing yard work with my parents and I hurt myself with poison ivy. She looked at my intensely and knew I was lying.
These were fresh wounds and it was hard to not show any emotions.

The nurse asked me if she can take a look at my injuries and she can put ointment and i told her it was fine, i did it this normal. And she insisted and pulled my bandages.

She saw my mess.

Now I have to clean up my mess.

She quietly took her phone and called in a code. After that, she told me to go back to class and a few people will come looking for me.

I went back to AP Biology and as soon as class was finishing the school  counselor called me to see her in her office now and so i did.
I went to her office and the assistant principal was there and the nurse.
They were talking to me how if they saw a student or anyone on the school grounds having signs of depression, suicidal, or any sort of that, they have to report it and put me in therapy in school with the counselor and in the clinic near my house everyday during school for 2 to 3 hours and after school for an hour.

So from my last semester of school from around March to May, I missed a lot of school and classes. But I was able to keep up and do well on my grades.

I attempted to kill myself again in my bedroom balcony but i knew since I was only on the 3rd floor, I would only hurt myself and not die. So I stopped.

The therapy with the doctor in the clinic was a sham. She let me go after the 2nd session. I didn’t want to deal with it and i told her that I was happy and good and she accepted it and give me release forms to the school.
But I continued my therapy in school, because school was easy for me (as mentioned in my international school, I was studying everything 2 grades higher than my grade). And I really liked talking to the school counselor and she understood.

I told her my struggles and fears.

But not about the abuse or the rape.

By May, she let me go and I stopped cutting myself after the first few times. It seemed like a waste of time for me and didn’t make me feel better.
I was finishing finals and my boyfriend was supportive and nice to me. But around this time, I knew I was going to break up with my boyfriend for good.
So I waited until we were done with finals and there was only our senior pranks, photos, trip, and just graduation.

As finals, we finishing up, my boyfriend and I was approached for a photo shoot for the best couple in the school.
There was a vote and we won.

We were voted best couple.

 

Fake (Part 3)

WARNING: DISTURBING CONTENT

Ever since T has pushed me down the stairs. It’s been hard to get out of bed to go to school. I was just about to get up on my feet and work hard to graduate. But it just seemed so hard to face him.

Ever morning, I would meet the friend that witnessed the incident because he didn’t feel that it was safe for me to go to school on my own. So he was my protector.

I would receive glares and ugly looks for my boyfriend. And I just didn’t want to give him another chance. But I guess over time, I started to fear him and fear that he might kill me if i broke up with him.
After a week, I told my friend that I’m okay and lied that he apologized and he has never done anything to hurt me. I was practically a fake and a liar myself.

After a while, i decided to go back to my abusive relationship with T and he pretended nothing happened and nothing changed and going to school was so normal and no different for him. Almost as if we never left school for the first half of the year. I just numbed out and empty. I just wanted a friend to talk about this to. But at the time, my big sister was in college, so i didn’t see her often and she was having a blast.

What kind of sister or friend would I be to ruin all that about my stupid problems…?

So I kept going and continue to breathe.

So we are finally almost half way of the semester and I’m still afraid. He hugged me and he took me out and things like that. But all I could do was keep a fake smile so he doesnt hit me.

One day, that all changed.

I received a text message one night and it seems like a person who was trying to have a normal conversation with a friend. And i texted them back that they had the wrong person. But for some odd reason, we kept texting each other. It felt nice to text someone without a face to put and a name and to just talk.

It went from texting to calling and he was a nice person, though a lot older than me, i believe he was 28 and I was 17 at the time. But I was okay with having an older friend.

We decided to meet and he took me out to go play bowling and just going to eat at restaurants. It was nice to just deal with a friend and have a friend drive you around. I was stupid. I was okay with just meeting a complete stranger. But I would have done anything to escape my reality of my abusive boyfriend.

With this happening in my life, my boyfriend did not suspect me doing anything wrong and he was treating me like he used to.
As if he loved me again.
I started to feel okay and safe and my smile wasn’t as fake anymore.

I decided to hang out with my friend i met through text and told him the good news. He was very happy for me and wanted me to introduce my boyfriend sometime and we can all hang out. I thought it was a great idea and I was happy my life just decided to work out on its own.

So as my text friend and I drove and went to the bowling alley, it decided to rain really hard and we decided to chill and wait it out in his car. We were talking as normal and he asked me if i was thirsty, I said yes and he got me a soda from the back.

He opened it for me and I took a sip.

After the sip, I told him i’m feeling a bit tired so i wanted to take a nap until the rain stopped. I fell asleep and I started to have some visuals through my blurry vision. And I noticed someone was on top of me.

Everything felt like it was in slow motion and then I noticed it was my text friend on top of me. And he started to thrust into me. I couldn’t move, my body was so weak.

I always even able to yell or lift my arms. I was so scared. I started to cry. He finished and got off of me. It felt like I was in a sleeping paralysis moment, when the nightmares just come to you and there’s nothing you can do.
I knew something didnt feel right.

He drove me home and put me in my porch and rang the doorbell.

He walked off to his car and left.

The last thing I remember was waking up in my bed in the same clothes I was in and something didn’t feel right.

I was raped.

 

Fake (Part 2)

After a few days of waiting for the results, my doctor called me in for an appointment to talk more in depth about what’s going on.

As I went in and sat down at the clinic, i was extremely nervous about everything. How my parents will react if I do have HPV or how disappointed I will be of myself for getting myself into this situation. I’m waiting there to get my name called and my phone is constantly ringing and buzzing from my boyfriend (T).

They called me in.

I walked in and I waited for my doctor to come in.

About 5 minutes later, she comes in and looked me in the eye and told me: “No, you don’t have HPV”.
I was relieved out of my mind.
She told me that one of the strangest thing is that I have not gotten my HPV shot so that’s why they called me in today to just get it done. And they confirmed with me that my boyfriend did have HPV because of the medication name I provided for them that made it 100% certain that he had it and that I wasn’t lying.

I was just in tears and was so happy. I got my shot and walked out of there a free and happy woman.

I contacted T and spoke with him about what happened. He wanted me to forgive him. I didn’t. I could never forgive someone for lying to me that could cause me something as horrible as getting HPV. For his selfish reasons as well. But we both moved on and here’s to the summer.

Summer is going through and we had a blast. My boyfriend and I hung out a lot with my family, and going to amusement parks, dates and or just hiking and hanging out. We have also decided to not kiss or have any physical or sexual activities other than holding hands sometimes. He was sad about it, but it was not his HPV.

During our year of being together, I have realized I was uncomfortable being with him in that sort of way. Any type of intimacy with him, made me feel not at home or just made me not want to do anything.
He let me do what made me feel safe.
But by the end of the summer, all of that changed for the worst.

When school was just starting, i noticed that he always jumping into my conversations with other classmates and never allowed me to talk to anyone. His friends thought he was kidding but he was very forceful to me.
He started to push me, pull me around and yell at me for not being by his side.
It made me not want to go to school and I wanted to avoid seeing him but he made it all so hard.
He started to get lazy in school, forced me to do his projects, homework, and classwork. I was pretty much his slave.

I tried to ask him and talk to him why he is doing this and asking him if something happened. But he just said, he didn’t want to share me.

So the fall semester goes by, I started to go to school less and less. He would make me meet up at the train station near school and we would just not go to school. We would be out going to stores or restaurants he wanted to go to or go to his house as his single mom would work all day. He wouldn’t let me go outside after leaving my house and he just refused to let me go to school.

My parents were seeing a pattern after they were getting calls that I wasn’t in school for 3 months, and my parents started to have a bad feeling about T after the summer. They called the cops on him and forced him to let me go home. I was able to go home safely but he wasn’t too happy about it.

After being kept “captive”, I went back to school. Slowly…

I spoke with the principal of the school and they made me a deal that if I worked hard for the last months of the spring semester, they will let me graduate and not expel me. Fair enough, I thought. And so I did. I worked hard and continued to go to school.

They also made T go to school and he wasn’t much in trouble by anyone since every staff member, teacher and classmates knew him since elementary, so they didn’t think anything of his actions. During school, I tried my best to avoid him and spent more time at school and having my friend’s family drive me home or I would always go home with my best friend, K. So then, I would never be alone.

I needed to find a time to really talk to T and possibly just break up with him. After a while, I decided to text him and talk to him. I told him, can we meet in school and talk and he agreed for us to meet at around 6 am in school before people start coming in. Which is fine to me.

The next day… I’m waiting at school and it is close to 6 am. He shows up by the south stair well of our school and I wanted to talk to him. I thanked him for meeting me and I’m sorry for ignoring him and not talking to him because he scared me. I was talking about my feeling and throughout the time, he did not fletch, or make any movements or even had any emotions on his face. Mind you, he is 6 feet 2 and I’m 5 feet 2, so talking to him was scary. I asked him if there is anything he had to say after I asked him if breaking up was an option. He said no and he wanted to work things out. I told him back that I’m not sure if that’s possible. So he continued to tell me, that I can continue to ignore him and just take my time to forgive him.

I was stupid back then.

I don’t even know why i felt like I loved him.

I disagreed with him and told him I was done.

So he went ahead and pulled my hair and pushed me down 2 flights of stairs.

I was in pain and trying to get up and he walked away. And a student walked by and saw everything. And he came to my rescue and told T to never get close with me again.

I didn’t know this kid much but he was one of my good friends and I was just glad someone witnessed something as bad as that because everyone in school thought they knew T.

But they didn’t know him like I did.

 

Fake (Part 1)

After losing my first love, I was very vulnerable. Weak and wanted attention from someone.

And of course, as you guys can already notice, there’s a lot of stupid decisions I have made. Well… This is also one of them.
I got attention immediately from this guy i met in high school. But personally, if you guys can remember, I really wanted to avoid just meeting or dating guys in the same school as me. But in my stupid mind, he was different.

When my now-ex went to Vietnam and I went to the beach to cry because I got a phone call of him cheating and he wasn’t able to talk to me or confirm with me about anything, so a friend of mine, T, met up with me and talked to me.
He was my rebound.

T was apparently interested in me when I got into the same school as him. And we were never in any classes together until 11th grade. He asked for my number and asked me out and I said yes.
I told him that I most likely said yes because he knows I’m not over my ex and that Im sad and weak and he knew and wanted to take care of me.
We would go on dates, go to the movies, hang out, do homework, he and I watched a lot of anime together (which was great and I felt like I was being myself and healing ok). I avoided a lot of romantic or physical touches because I just wasn’t ready.
I felt bad for T. But he knew what I was going through and I told my plenty of times, if he had waited, I could consider to be in a relationship with him when I was healed but he pushed the fact that he wanted to be with me now.

I also mentioned to him that I’m not sure if I want to continue our relationship after high school, if i felt it wasn’t strong enough and he felt the same way and understood.

So now we can fast forward to a year and we have successfully been dating for that long, with many happy memories, new friends, new adventures and happy thoughts. I have finally gotten over my ex and he and i were good friends.

Though, something strange started happening to me. I felt as though T was being a bit pushy as to who I hang out with and when I should leave his house after school and was just very obsessive and possessive.

I didn’t think any of it and I went along with my relationship with him.

I had a few concerned in my mind when I was dating him. His living situation was not ideal so he taught me how to steal from grocery stores and markets to get food to cook or for dinner. The adrenaline rush was so fun but it wasn’t fun till we got caught and was arrested. We were banned from going to the market for a year or 2. But after all these years, they didn’t catch us until our maybe 20th or 30th stealing spree.

And now that it has been a year, I was healed and was ready for him to touch me and do whatever couples do when they really like each other. We would make out and have sex (tmi) and many other things. But then suddenly, I noticed T has been taking medication almost 3 times a day with food. I’m not with him for most of the day except near the end of the day and now I realized, that T might be sick.

I asked T about it and he told me it wasn’t anything too serious. So one day, when we finally did it (like…. doing it). It was good and how it should be. But then he started to cry and told me he had HPV. He got it from his mother after birth.

I was shocked. And I knew all about it. And apparently for him, blood comes out to his saliva and bodily fluids. I was afraid I might have HPV. So I went to the doctors. At the time, HPV was a newer thing. They were starting to make sure infants get the vaccines to fight it at an early age.
When I want to the doctors, I was honestly sure I never got a vaccine for it.

I was right.

The doctor was very concerned and got me tested and I was eerily waiting for the results to come. I was afraid, I knew I had a weak immune system.

I decided not to see my boyfriend for the next few days trying to rethink everyone i knew with HPV (At the time) and their lifestyles and everything.

I hated him for doing this to me.