I’m sorry.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Sorry I’ve been so bad at posting more. I can never finish what i started and I’m really trying. I have recently finished going to the therapist about my past and trying to deal with everything you all have seen. But I’ve had to overcome another issue in my life that is very present and recent.
WARNING: Dark thoughts and text. Thanks 

While going to my trip in Vietnam with my family. I was happy.

It felt like nothing that already happened mattered. And it didn’t. I felt free and happy to be able to be blessed with amazing siblings and amazing parents who support me all the way.

All i remember is shopping and eating a lot when I’m there. Playing video games and talking to my FWB at the time after the whole high school incident. I didn’t like to be alone.

My FWB was someone who was close to me. Knew all my troubles and struggles but was always a good friend. He had feelings for me and i knew that. But all i wanted was the attention of a good non abusive boyfriend. So he agreed to be my FWB. He and i started a journal where we would talk about our day and feelings (he and i were long distance and only see each other a few times a month). And it was nice.

He really wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I know he had the best intentions and he was the sweetest and kindest person i know.

But I was selfish.

I was numbed out and just wanted the physical feelings.

After a few months, i broke it off with him because i realized what an awful person i was.

He didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve him. He was too good for me.
He was devastated and wanted me to just take him but that would make me a horrible person. Even when the time is short, i had a good run. I needed to be alone for a while before college starts. And there is no way i can actually see him while I was in school.

It was a good summer fling.

But everyday as it passed. With all the good people around me. Him, my very few friends my family and my siblings.

I didn’t feel like i deserve any of this and everyday in my head, i apologize for being here.

I’m sorry for being here.

Suicide

Before I jump into any new stories while being in the US, something did happen while I was in 9th grade. Sorry for the late post about this. With the storm and blizzard over the Northeast, it’s been hard to get connectivity and I was slammed with work. And I was also making excuse for this particular post because I guess I’m afraid of it. Well…. too long over due…. I’ll get right into it.

It happened after when my ex boyfriend K and my ex close friend C got together and cheated behind my back. I wasn’t so depressed about the breakup, but I wasn’t doing so well in school.

As many of you have already know, I haven’t really touched upon the topic about homework, education, and or my classes and projects. But school over there is wicked hard af.
School was unbearable.
I was feeling negative feelings with school when I got to 9th grade. In 9th grade, what you’re learning is 11 grade stuff. To my surprise when I moved to the US after 9th grade, I’ve already learned everything up until 2nd year of university.
It’s crazy how the education differs between other countries.

So as I mentioned, school was hard. Getting good grades was hard. And once I got to 9th grade, i wasn’t doing so well. Getting Cs and Ds. So my parents weren’t exactly happy with my grades and my report cards.
When living in Vietnam, I was living with my mom and my siblings (big sister, little sister and little brother) and for my dad, he would come every once or twice a year throughout those 3 years of me living there.
So around after winter break, my dad came to Vietnam for Christmas and he was not happy with my grades. He cried and yelled and said I would be a failure if i kept this up. It was a sad day for all of us. We were being lectured and yelled at. I didn’t refuse it or fight back…. it’s because I knew i deserved it and I didn’t work hard enough.

Around this time, I felt numbed out. I wouldn’t say I was depressed because of my parents but because I made them unhappy. The worst feeling is to come see your family in Vietnam knowing your kids are getting crap grades when you sent them there for a better life and to learn and be smart. I felt ashamed to put my parents in tears and with so disappointment.

I wouldnt say I planned it all out but I wasn’t feeling so happy. So it may have been almost like an impulse. After school, i asked my friend who lived in this 15 floor condo if I can go to the roof to chill, so she gave me access to her condo. Once you’re in, you’re in.
I got in and went to the roof. The roof can only be access by like security or personnel of the building; but the door wasn’t lock. It never is. Lucky me.

I went up there sitting and looking up at the blue skies and looked at the white clouds floating by with no care in the world. I wanted to be the clouds in the sky also.
I’m extremely and deathly afraid of heights but at the moment in time, all i wanted was the pain to go away. Thoughts went through my head like… “I wish i never dated this guy”, “why did she bully me?”, “why am I so stupid that I can’t get good grades?”, “mom and dad and all my siblings are better off without me”.

I jumped.

With my eyes closed…

Suddenly when falling for a few seconds, I felt so free and happy. But I was also scared and the falling felt like forever. But i suddenly felt my body slow down, my uniform slowly losing air and they were not flying and then my body slammed on a slab of concrete.

I was in a lot of pain and I looked up. I jumped from the 16th floor (the roof was the extra flight of stairs from the 15th floor) an landed on this weird big piece of concrete sticking out of the building on the 14th/15th floor. I mean it hurt, falling for a foot to 2. But, the only think i thought about was jump and let go.

“What a weird building”, I thought.

And I started to laugh so hard, no tears but I was laughing because my attempt to die was so laughable.

I’m not a religious person but the thing I remember saying was, “maybe God is telling me I should live and that I will do greatness in life”.

Or that I was stupid to have jumped and not look down before jumping.

After laughing and laying down there because all my body hurts, I managed to climb back up to the 16th floor and locked the door, and went out and took my bike from my school and went home without saying a word to anyone.
The next day was a weekend and I spent it with my family like normal and went to school.

Not long after, I moved back to the US to start 10th grade.

 

Eighth Grade

Eighth grade was one of my most inactive, quietest, most non exciting time of my life.

After S has abandoned me and the bullying started, I ended my last year of 7th grade with no friends and by myself most of the time. I did make some acquaintances from the grades and other classes that didn’t enjoy the politics of our 7th grade and our school. But regardless, I was pretty much alone.

Once 8th grade started, it felt like I was the girl one more time except with a really bad reputation that i accidentally made for myself. I didn’t talk to anyone, ate by myself during lunch (or with my big sister and her friends in the high school section), and i went home by myself. I didn’t feel sad or afraid of S or anyone for that matter. I did happened to experience S and other girls bullying other girls who happen to interact with me. I cut all ties with them and made her they are always safe. No on should get bullied because they are my friend. But overtime, being myself, i noticed a lot of kids just like me; alone, possibly bullied and isolated.

Let me get this straight, my 8th grade wasn’t bad with me being alone. But this isn’t about me. I want to talk about YS.

YS was an alone Korean girl who was very skinny (most likely anorexic), very beautiful, long black layered hair, tall, and rolled up her uniform skirt to make it shorter.
I noticed her being alone and eating by herself and i just happened to walk up to her and asked her about a class we have together. She seemed very surprised i spoke with her and after that we went home together, hung out in each other houses, grab dinner and study together. Almost like what S and I used to do, but this felt more genuine.

It took me some time to get the courage to ask her why is she alone. But she beat me to it, she said, “so, you’re probably wondering why I’m alone”. I answered yes.

She told me a story that within the international school we attend, most Korean girls stick together like a clique. And as much as she didn’t like those types of groups, there was a sense of community, support and happiness. Everything was great until a lot of the group decided to go to have karaoke and they brought their boyfriends. YS did not have a boyfriend and it seems like during that gathering, her group’s boyfriend took an interest on her (because she was so beautiful). The girls banded together and bullied her, ripped her hair, accused her of their boyfriends either cheating, or breaking up with them for YS. She left the group and stuck to herself.

I could not ever relate to that type of bullying since I have no experienced a physical bullying. I held her and I apologized for all she had to endured by herself.

This has turned her to smoking all the time, not eating and forcing herself to vomit so she can keep being even more skinny. She told me she wanted to cut herself and die. But she met me and didn’t want to leave me alone. But it’s so hard for her.

I didn’t want her to keep living for me. I wanted her to keep living for herself.

Life is hard for her because she is a child of a single mom (very taboo in Korean culture or as she had said because her mother went to divorce her husband and moved to Vietnam for a new life). But they both support and love each other as much as they can and do the best they can. And one day, YS and I went up to the roof to just smoke and looking up at the blue sky.

She told me, she was almost raped by one of the group’s ex boyfriend and she went to go karaoke by herself and the guy spotted her. He took her as a bitch and a slut so he would pay for her time. She kicked him and slapped him and she started beating on her. I was wondering why she seems a bit exhausted and roughed up. But he did not succeed and left her to be wounded.

She told me she wanted to die.

I was speechless once again and said nothing but sat there and held her.

The next day in school, i didn’t see her. I searched her in school and i started to get worried. I ran to her house right after school. Her mom was home and screaming and banging on YS’s door. I saw smoke coming out of her door and we tried our best and smashed the door opened.

Once we got the door opened, we rushed in to from YS laying on her bed peacefully. She seems to have smoked and lit her trashcan on fire and also cut herself with a glass bottle. She passed out from inhaling the smoke. We got her to the hospital and we were just hoping and praying to God, she will be okay. She woke up after a few hours and started to cry when she saw me all full of smoke and tearing up. She knew I went in to get her. She told me, Thank you. Then I went home after a while.

From then on, i didn’t hear from her. I went to the hospital the next day and they said she was discharged. Then i went to her home and the security guard said they already moved out. I believe they probably moved back to Korea. I do have her Facebook and occasionally i see a new photo and she looks healthier and happier and we still talk to each other.

I don’t know if i did anything to make her feel happier or even make an impact on her. But, for that short time being with her, we bonded and all i can say is I am thankful for her to be a part of my memories.

Here Effect

Have you ever felt like you’re here but you’re really not here?

Like when you go to a classroom and sitting down and start spacing out on whatever the hell your teacher is probably teaching or lecturing the class and you’re just staring straight into space. That’s me… Most of the time at least.

I call this the “Here Effect”. For me, it’s a little bit complicated than just going to school and not paying attention. It’s more like, I tried killing myself or thinking or wanting to kill myself and conclude to doing it… but not succeeding. With no success, I continue to live my life after many years passed and I still wonder about if I wasn’t really here, would I be happier? The emptiness inside of me builds even with all the happy times that has gave me so much love and affection… Depression and suicide is now a part of me.

The biggest attempt of me trying to end it all is when I jumped off a 13 floor condo that my friend generously let me in to go to the roof (not knowing my plans). I jumped and hit on the 12th floor siding of the building and at the time I thought, “I guess God is giving me a 2nd chance in life”. But now when I think about it, I’m thinking, “What a weirdly shape building.”

Over the years, I’ve strive to be the best I can be after that situation. But then high school  came and brought me back to the edge of a building or more like… the balcony of my bedroom. I thought millions of times where this will hurt and that it won’t kill me and will only disable me. So I did not attempt. I did, however, cut. I cut and stabbed and the pain didn’t go away. But it made me think how selfish am I to try to hurt or kill myself under the roof of where my baby siblings lived and where my parents work so tirelessly to build.

I seeked for help.

But it didn’t work.