Suicide

Before I jump into any new stories while being in the US, something did happen while I was in 9th grade. Sorry for the late post about this. With the storm and blizzard over the Northeast, it’s been hard to get connectivity and I was slammed with work. And I was also making excuse for this particular post because I guess I’m afraid of it. Well…. too long over due…. I’ll get right into it.

It happened after when my ex boyfriend K and my ex close friend C got together and cheated behind my back. I wasn’t so depressed about the breakup, but I wasn’t doing so well in school.

As many of you have already know, I haven’t really touched upon the topic about homework, education, and or my classes and projects. But school over there is wicked hard af.
School was unbearable.
I was feeling negative feelings with school when I got to 9th grade. In 9th grade, what you’re learning is 11 grade stuff. To my surprise when I moved to the US after 9th grade, I’ve already learned everything up until 2nd year of university.
It’s crazy how the education differs between other countries.

So as I mentioned, school was hard. Getting good grades was hard. And once I got to 9th grade, i wasn’t doing so well. Getting Cs and Ds. So my parents weren’t exactly happy with my grades and my report cards.
When living in Vietnam, I was living with my mom and my siblings (big sister, little sister and little brother) and for my dad, he would come every once or twice a year throughout those 3 years of me living there.
So around after winter break, my dad came to Vietnam for Christmas and he was not happy with my grades. He cried and yelled and said I would be a failure if i kept this up. It was a sad day for all of us. We were being lectured and yelled at. I didn’t refuse it or fight back…. it’s because I knew i deserved it and I didn’t work hard enough.

Around this time, I felt numbed out. I wouldn’t say I was depressed because of my parents but because I made them unhappy. The worst feeling is to come see your family in Vietnam knowing your kids are getting crap grades when you sent them there for a better life and to learn and be smart. I felt ashamed to put my parents in tears and with so disappointment.

I wouldnt say I planned it all out but I wasn’t feeling so happy. So it may have been almost like an impulse. After school, i asked my friend who lived in this 15 floor condo if I can go to the roof to chill, so she gave me access to her condo. Once you’re in, you’re in.
I got in and went to the roof. The roof can only be access by like security or personnel of the building; but the door wasn’t lock. It never is. Lucky me.

I went up there sitting and looking up at the blue skies and looked at the white clouds floating by with no care in the world. I wanted to be the clouds in the sky also.
I’m extremely and deathly afraid of heights but at the moment in time, all i wanted was the pain to go away. Thoughts went through my head like… “I wish i never dated this guy”, “why did she bully me?”, “why am I so stupid that I can’t get good grades?”, “mom and dad and all my siblings are better off without me”.

I jumped.

With my eyes closed…

Suddenly when falling for a few seconds, I felt so free and happy. But I was also scared and the falling felt like forever. But i suddenly felt my body slow down, my uniform slowly losing air and they were not flying and then my body slammed on a slab of concrete.

I was in a lot of pain and I looked up. I jumped from the 16th floor (the roof was the extra flight of stairs from the 15th floor) an landed on this weird big piece of concrete sticking out of the building on the 14th/15th floor. I mean it hurt, falling for a foot to 2. But, the only think i thought about was jump and let go.

“What a weird building”, I thought.

And I started to laugh so hard, no tears but I was laughing because my attempt to die was so laughable.

I’m not a religious person but the thing I remember saying was, “maybe God is telling me I should live and that I will do greatness in life”.

Or that I was stupid to have jumped and not look down before jumping.

After laughing and laying down there because all my body hurts, I managed to climb back up to the 16th floor and locked the door, and went out and took my bike from my school and went home without saying a word to anyone.
The next day was a weekend and I spent it with my family like normal and went to school.

Not long after, I moved back to the US to start 10th grade.

 

What love felt like…in ninth grade (part 3)

I’m not going to lie. I took the break up pretty well.

I was one of those people that are like, “you know what? Fuck him! I will move on and be a better person for myself.” I think to myself, wow was I strong back then as a child who wasn’t afraid of anything. Fearless.

After the break up, prom was coming up and I honestly just wanted to go with my girl friends, my sister and some other upperclassmen. It was exciting to just have fun, eat and dance. While on AIM (or skype, I’m not sure which messenger platform I used back them to talk to my friends in school) but, I got a message from my ex, and our break up was probably 3 months ago around this time, he asked me be his prom date.

Oh hell no. Fuck that. He’s got some nerve to ask me to be his prom date after breaking up with me and cheating on me with one of my close friends. I told him no and then two messages came in after that. It was from a guy who I truly hate and my ex boyfriend’s best friend. They both asked me to be their prom date as well and honestly, i was in completely shock. My ex’s best friend is one of the kindest person I’ve ever met, and cute and smart. On the other hand, the guy who i truly hate is one of my ex’s friends as well. He was mean, he rude, and always teased me and joke with me.

My decision? I went with the guy I dated. And he was the best date I’ve ever had. He was sweet, told me I was pretty, picked me up, made her I went home safely, and danced with me. And though he told me he had a crush on me, everyone in my class knew I was leaving to go back to the US. So he wished me the best and a kiss on the cheek.

As bad as all these situations were, I was happy to leave one good last memory and he made me feel wanted, happy and loved.

Before leaving to go to the US, most of my friendship broke because my friends didn’t see a point to continue a friendship if i wasn’t physically there. Which is bullshit and I was hurt and it made me feel so sad and was never contacted it. But of course i was the fearless teen back then so it didn’t stop me from being happy. Throughout my time in Vietnam, there were some tough times and some hard times like my first attempt to suicide (most likely in my next post).

But the funny thing is, on the last day of school, C (the girl who my ex cheated on me with and WAS my close friend) she came to me as I was cleaning out my locker and she kneel toward me and apologized 10 times over. She asked me, “Vy, please forgive me?”.

I said, “No”. And walked out of that terrible school.

What love felt like…in ninth grade (part 2)

After deciding to just break it off with W and going on a date with M; surprisingly it was quite nice.

He took me out to fun places, like the park and places to eat. We talked about our lives and what we wanted to do in the future. And he also send me baskets of roses to me and my mother at our apartment. It was always so sweet of him to do these type of gestures.

But needless to say, I know I didn’t love him. I liked M but he felt like hanging out with a friend and not in a romantic kind of way. After 2 weeks, he tried to kiss me a few times and truthfully, it didn’t go well. To him, it did but to me, bleh. And so, as much as how nice he was, I told him, “I’m sorry, but I can’t return your feelings”. He understood and took it nicely and agreed. From then on, sure, I saw him at school and he and I were friends but I gave him some space to heal and let him be on his own without me.

Though it was short, but after that, I tried reconnecting with W. W knew this was me doing a trial run with M and that it was to see if I had feelings for M or if it can develop over time, but it was too hard. I felt as though I did it as a favor to M, to date him, because he begged in school. So, I tried contacting W, and he basically told me, “I’m sorry but I’m already seeing someone in the US”. I hung up and never spoke to him again. I was crushed. I knew that he was hurt too but he also knew M and I wouldn’t last long and that hopefully W and I can be together if I ever moved back to the US (which I did, after 10th grade).

From then on, I was alone again. I was heart broken from W’s decision, but i moved on and life moved on.

This story circles back to K, the guy who was playing soccer and acts like a narcissist because he was so damn smart. During the time of all these breakups I’m going through, during math class, K give me a note and asked me if I was okay and if I needed someone to talk. I answered yes and we talked in the soccer field. It felt nice to be able to let out all your sadness and frustrations to someone I didn’t know. And from then on, we became friends.

He introduced me to his Korean friends and we would all hang out, play video games in the internet cafe, and eat. It was a very casual distraction from all my sad thoughts at the time. So one day after school (after being friends for maybe 4 to 5 months), his friends asked so, “is she your girlfriend?”. I was shook and triggered from that question and I waited for his answer. He looked at me and asked, “so? Do you want to be my girlfriend?”. I didn’t know what to say other than that I was going home because I didn’t feel well. As I left, I heard the guys chilling and talking as if I was already in a relationship with K because everything was so free flowing and natural.

I went home and contemplated, should I date him?

After dinner and just relaxing for a bit, I took out my phone and gave him a call. This was the conversation:
V: Hey.
K: Hey!
V: Um… Were you serious about what you said?
K: For you to be my girlfriend? Yeah.
V: Ask me again.
K: Will you be my girlfriend?
V: I can’t hear you…
K: Will you be my girlfriend?!!
K’s sister: Oh my god, shut the hell up
V: Yes.
K: What?
V: Yes, I’ll be your girlfriend
K: Great, 9 am tomorrow?
V: For what?
K : Our first date
V: Ok…
K: I’ll meet you outside of your condo.
V: Bye. See you at 9.
K: Bye girlfriend~
*Hangs up*

So yes, I said yes. Whoop-di-do…. Well, the relationship was just like any other. We went on dates, held hands, kiss (he was a big kisser and his braces didn’t help). We studied and did homework together. We went to events and shows together. It was nice. We didn’t fight and something we bicker but nothing too major to the point where we fought and I would cry.

While dating K, life was starting to look up, I have a new group of friends. We all hung out together, sleep overs, game nights, movie nights, chilling, baking, cooking. Basically everything and it was nice to feel wanted be people who doesn’t judge you by false information and rumors.

But as long as it goes, New Years Eve came around and my luck ran out.

It was New Years Eve and my friend and I went to one of the tallest condo with the best view of the fireworks and I was so excited.
I was texting my boyfriend K to come meet us up at the location and we were waiting on some people.
Around this time, I wasn’t feeling all those suspicious of my friends being close to my bf. Like they all would talk about other things like video games, or school or Korean culture or anything honestly and it never bothered me to feel like.. threatened.

One person I became close to, her name is C. She was a grade younger than me, half american, half Vietnamese. Very wealthy and very beautiful. She was also very kind. She saw me as her big sister. I met her family a few times and they would go on business trips a lot. With that, they entrusts me to talk care of their home and their daughter, so she called me big sister. I never noticed if she and my bf was getting close. I never had to be and eagle and keep an eye of either of them.

While hanging out with friends, I noticed that whenever K was texting, C would get a message. It seems like a coincidence. So I didn’t think much of it. But there was one strange instance where she told me she could hang out with me because she had to help her mom. But then her mom told me the day before, to keep an eye on C tonight because he had to fly out for a business trip. Why would she lie?

Just when the fireworks are about to go off, C left our group with no warning and we couldnt catch her in time to ask her where she was going and as soon as that happened, I got a call from K and he said,

“I’m sorry but I don’t think we can be together. Let’s break up”. Then he hung up.

I didn’t know what to do other than cry. And as it strikes 12, there was no fireworks. There were big red lanterns floating up into the sky quietly as I cried.

What love felt like…in ninth grade (part 1)

When 9th grade started out, things were looking up.
I made some new friends, I was losing a lot of weight due to the heat, culture, lifestyle it was living in Vietnam. All the foods were pretty much natural (like oh hey that cow we saw right there, it was your dinner).
I was grateful for all that was given to my by my parents, my family in Vietnam, and the very few friends who stuck with me after the bullying in 7th grade.

One of the things I realized about myself was, I was weak.
I blacked out during PE class while doing a beep test (running test) and I woke up and found myself in my gym teacher’s office.
She told me i blacked out and my heart stopped beating for a second and then came back. She was terrified and wanted to talk to my parents. I didn’t want her to and for some reason, she was okay with not telling my parents but instead let me be her PE assistant without doing the real work outs.

While being weak and having close to no friends, I turned myself to using FB and the internet quite a lot. Making friends, going onto Omegle, playing on Omgpop, or Neopets or Xanga or Myspace. The whole Shazam. So now that I was reconnected with a few other friends back at home, I’m talking to them a lot more. For instance, I am commenting on their pages, playing video games with them and etc.

With this, it led me to have a few friend requests from people I don’t know. The only thing I do know and that, I have and am a mutual friend from them to my other friends back in the US. There was one particular guy who was so cute, handsome and very polite. I’m going to call him.. W. W was a sweet guy, introduced himself to me, we talked, we chilled, we web-cammed and we already started feeling a sort of feeling people feel when they like other people. So yes, I had a crush on W and to me, he felt like the best guy in the world to be with. He knew how i looked like, I am not a skinny girl, I look pretty average, and I’m not from a wealthy family either. In my eyes, he accepted me for me. So we were constantly talking everything and to be honest, I really didn’t care about anyone else but W.

Now back to being in school…while being weak and sick, I was able to watch of sports games, as a the PE assistant I helped during the games too. I saw this very tall guy playing soccer and I saw he was cute, smart, and pretty intimidating to be honest. He was in my math class and whenever I was confused, he was reach over to help me. But he tried teaching me like I’m some idiot, so I didn’t like his personality very much.

Even with disliking his personality, I found myself coming to all his soccer games and seeing him play. With these games, they run late and I’m usually always the only girl there, so I never try to let the soccer team see me by myself. While waiting for everyone to leave either after practice and a game, I always feel like someone was watching me.
I wouldn’t say I was afraid but it was an unpleasant feeling.
Continuing on watching the guy, we’ll call him K, play, it was breathing fresh air. Overtime, every game or practice, I feel as though someone is watching me and i started to feel some sort of fear. But after coming home, i brushed it off like it was nothing…. until i noticed that cold stare and watching me in the morning before classes start.

When going to this particular international school, we have to wait before running through the gate (think Japanese anime). Until they let us go, we can go and we are greeting by people near the gate. When walking into the school, i felt a stare behind my shoulder and it was before the teachers let us go in. I turned around fast to see who it is. And i saw it was a he. And he looked familiar. Like I’ve seen him somewhere before.
I ran toward him and he ran fast. I couldn’t catch a glimpse of him well, but I’m sure if i saw him again, I would know. From there, I was a bit shocked and all I could do and wanted to do was tell W how I feel and that he will protect spiritually (what load of bullshit).

Lunch time came and I decided to go outside for lunch and enjoy the fresh air (and also watch the boys play soccer). I took a seat in one of those outdoor seating areas and just listened to music and ate lunch. As I was eating, I felt a chill. I turned around and I saw the same guy who was following up. I sneakily walked up to him while he didn’t notice and was hiding from me, I said “HEY! Why are you stalking me?”. He started to shiver, and looked around nervous, not knowing what to do.

He introduced himself and called himself M. He wasn’t trying to scare me apparently, he just liked me but he never could seem the time to confess. And then I said, “do it here.” M said, “I know you don’t know me, but I’m an 11th grader, I’ve noticed you for some time and i think I really like you. Would you try to least go out with me for a little bit and then you can decide if you want to be with me?”.

As you may recall, I barely have friends, nor a real love life (excluding W) and anything for that matter, and so I said let me think about it.

I went home thinking to myself. I don’t even know this guy but to me, I thought nothing can go as wrong as what happened in 7th grade. From then on, being flustered by being confessed to, I forgot about W. He was calling me on Skype and so I asked him, “If a guy, at my school, happen to confess to me and ask me out, what should I do”. I know that was something I shouldn’t have asked but W and I had a connection, romantically but also have a platonic ish friendship. He was my friend too and he knew me. He told me, “You should go out with him. It’s not like you can date me, we’re thousands of miles apart, and I can’t even touch you, feel you, or even kiss you.”

My heart broke.

 

Eighth Grade

Eighth grade was one of my most inactive, quietest, most non exciting time of my life.

After S has abandoned me and the bullying started, I ended my last year of 7th grade with no friends and by myself most of the time. I did make some acquaintances from the grades and other classes that didn’t enjoy the politics of our 7th grade and our school. But regardless, I was pretty much alone.

Once 8th grade started, it felt like I was the girl one more time except with a really bad reputation that i accidentally made for myself. I didn’t talk to anyone, ate by myself during lunch (or with my big sister and her friends in the high school section), and i went home by myself. I didn’t feel sad or afraid of S or anyone for that matter. I did happened to experience S and other girls bullying other girls who happen to interact with me. I cut all ties with them and made her they are always safe. No on should get bullied because they are my friend. But overtime, being myself, i noticed a lot of kids just like me; alone, possibly bullied and isolated.

Let me get this straight, my 8th grade wasn’t bad with me being alone. But this isn’t about me. I want to talk about YS.

YS was an alone Korean girl who was very skinny (most likely anorexic), very beautiful, long black layered hair, tall, and rolled up her uniform skirt to make it shorter.
I noticed her being alone and eating by herself and i just happened to walk up to her and asked her about a class we have together. She seemed very surprised i spoke with her and after that we went home together, hung out in each other houses, grab dinner and study together. Almost like what S and I used to do, but this felt more genuine.

It took me some time to get the courage to ask her why is she alone. But she beat me to it, she said, “so, you’re probably wondering why I’m alone”. I answered yes.

She told me a story that within the international school we attend, most Korean girls stick together like a clique. And as much as she didn’t like those types of groups, there was a sense of community, support and happiness. Everything was great until a lot of the group decided to go to have karaoke and they brought their boyfriends. YS did not have a boyfriend and it seems like during that gathering, her group’s boyfriend took an interest on her (because she was so beautiful). The girls banded together and bullied her, ripped her hair, accused her of their boyfriends either cheating, or breaking up with them for YS. She left the group and stuck to herself.

I could not ever relate to that type of bullying since I have no experienced a physical bullying. I held her and I apologized for all she had to endured by herself.

This has turned her to smoking all the time, not eating and forcing herself to vomit so she can keep being even more skinny. She told me she wanted to cut herself and die. But she met me and didn’t want to leave me alone. But it’s so hard for her.

I didn’t want her to keep living for me. I wanted her to keep living for herself.

Life is hard for her because she is a child of a single mom (very taboo in Korean culture or as she had said because her mother went to divorce her husband and moved to Vietnam for a new life). But they both support and love each other as much as they can and do the best they can. And one day, YS and I went up to the roof to just smoke and looking up at the blue sky.

She told me, she was almost raped by one of the group’s ex boyfriend and she went to go karaoke by herself and the guy spotted her. He took her as a bitch and a slut so he would pay for her time. She kicked him and slapped him and she started beating on her. I was wondering why she seems a bit exhausted and roughed up. But he did not succeed and left her to be wounded.

She told me she wanted to die.

I was speechless once again and said nothing but sat there and held her.

The next day in school, i didn’t see her. I searched her in school and i started to get worried. I ran to her house right after school. Her mom was home and screaming and banging on YS’s door. I saw smoke coming out of her door and we tried our best and smashed the door opened.

Once we got the door opened, we rushed in to from YS laying on her bed peacefully. She seems to have smoked and lit her trashcan on fire and also cut herself with a glass bottle. She passed out from inhaling the smoke. We got her to the hospital and we were just hoping and praying to God, she will be okay. She woke up after a few hours and started to cry when she saw me all full of smoke and tearing up. She knew I went in to get her. She told me, Thank you. Then I went home after a while.

From then on, i didn’t hear from her. I went to the hospital the next day and they said she was discharged. Then i went to her home and the security guard said they already moved out. I believe they probably moved back to Korea. I do have her Facebook and occasionally i see a new photo and she looks healthier and happier and we still talk to each other.

I don’t know if i did anything to make her feel happier or even make an impact on her. But, for that short time being with her, we bonded and all i can say is I am thankful for her to be a part of my memories.