I have recently found out that when my depression kicks in, it takes me to my dark place. When I’m in my dark place, my mid is flooded with suicidal and depression thoughts. I think, “why am I here?”, “can’t I just disappear?”, “why me?”…
I’m going to take you where I found my dark places when I was in 7th grade.
As mentions before, I went to an international school in Vietnam. So I was the new girl. When starting out my classes, I met a girl… let’s call her S. She became my best friend. She toured me around, we studied together, biked together and had sleepovers. She introduced me to all that is happening in the school, when is the best time to go into school in the AM to get the best secret ramen, and even the gossip among the teachers and students. She was Queen B. She knew everyone and everyone knew her. She was a dancing genius, beautiful and a straight A student. I looked up to her.
A couple of months passed and we are sitting in our computer/study hall class and a boy i noticed, he always came over to say Hi to S and she would blushed and they gave that typical, “childhood friends who can date and get married”. I asked S, “Who is that? You never introduced me to him”. She responded, “I haven’t introduced you because I didn’t want you to steal him (jokingly). His name is A, we grew up together and I…. really like him.” I was pretty amazed at how accurate I was and assured her to not worry about me because he’s not my type. It didn’t really help and she told me I’m cute and totally his type. But I didn’t think anything of it.
After that, she formally introduced me to A. And he taken an interest in me but us 3 were a trio best friend circle. I never pursued him because I knew S liked him for a very long time. Over time, we hang out all the time, the 3 of us. We went out to lunch, dinner, study days and much more. We even made a blog together so each of us would talk to each other through those. It was… an exciting time to have active friends.
Until it all fell apart…
A came to school early and saw me and pulled me to an area not a lot of people are around. I asked him is something wrong and if he was feeling sick. He confessed to me. He confessed that he liked me when we first met. And I have to say… he was a good looking, reliable guy. He was sweet and many girls liked him. I told him, no because I know S likes him. He told me he only saw her as a sister.
Somehow, somewhere, she found out because she has ears all over the school and before I knew it… I was ignored by everyone in my grade and above grades. I would want in the hallways alone to the bathroom and I would hear 8th graders calling me a slut.
Computer class came and I went to see S. I told her I was having the most strangest day and that everyone was acting weird to me. She continued to ignore me. I told her, “Did I do something wrong? If i did, I’m sorry. Just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it”.
S said, “How can I fix someone’s heart?! You Slut!”.
I was in shock, i was trembling and I was scared.
She told me she saw me and A together and that she told me in confidence that she liked him for a long time and I still went to see him alone. That seems absurd to me.
“So you’re saying if I’m friends with him… I can’t talk to him alone regardless of the fact…”
“Yes, unless i’m there”, said S.
She continued to call me a slut and ignored me and everyone gave me cold stares as if I “stole her man”.
I walked in the hallways being called a slut in 7th grade and the teachers didn’t do anything either because S’s family donates a lot of money to the school, so me getting bullied didn’t do anything to them.
I was alone from more than half of 7th grade and at the end A cut all ties with S and other people and we decided to date a little.
It gave me some happiness and then he sent me a card on Valentine’s Day and told me he was going to Thailand for vacation. He never came back and Facebook was booming so I found him living happily and he then ended things with me online. That brought me to my first dark place…
What a piece of shit.