Dark Place

I have recently found out that when my depression kicks in, it takes me to my dark place. When I’m in my dark place, my mid is flooded with suicidal and depression thoughts. I think, “why am I here?”, “can’t I just disappear?”, “why me?”…

I’m going to take you where I found my dark places when I was in 7th grade.

As mentions before, I went to an international school in Vietnam. So I was the new girl. When starting out my classes, I met a girl… let’s call her S. She became my best friend. She toured me around, we studied together, biked together and had sleepovers. She introduced me to all that is happening in the school, when is the best time to go into school in the AM to get the best secret ramen, and even the gossip among the teachers and students. She was Queen B. She knew everyone and everyone knew her. She was a dancing genius, beautiful and a straight A student. I looked up to her.

A couple of months passed and we are sitting in our computer/study hall class and a boy i noticed, he always came over to say Hi to S and she would blushed and they gave that typical, “childhood friends who can date and get married”. I asked S, “Who is that? You never introduced me to him”. She responded, “I haven’t introduced you because I didn’t want you to steal him (jokingly). His name is A, we grew up together and I…. really like him.” I was pretty amazed at how accurate I was and assured her to not worry about me because he’s not my type. It didn’t really help and she told me I’m cute and totally his type. But I didn’t think anything of it.

After that, she formally introduced me to A. And he taken an interest in me but us 3 were a trio best friend circle. I never pursued him because I knew S liked him for a very long time. Over time, we hang out all the time, the 3 of us. We went out to lunch, dinner, study days and much more. We even made a blog together so each of us would talk to each other through those. It was… an exciting time to have active friends.
Until it all fell apart…

A came to school early and saw me and pulled me to an area not a lot of people are around. I asked him is something wrong and if he was feeling sick. He confessed to me. He confessed that he liked me when we first met. And I have to say… he was a good looking, reliable guy. He was sweet and many girls liked him. I told him, no because I know S likes him. He told me he only saw her as a sister.
Somehow, somewhere, she found out because she has ears all over the school and before I knew it… I was ignored by everyone in my grade and above grades. I would want in the hallways alone to the bathroom and I would hear 8th graders calling me a slut.

Computer class came and I went to see S. I told her I was having the most strangest day and that everyone was acting weird to me. She continued to ignore me. I told her, “Did I do something wrong? If i did, I’m sorry. Just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it”.
S said, “How can I fix someone’s heart?! You Slut!”.
I was in shock, i was trembling and I was scared.

She told me she saw me and A together and that she told me in confidence that she liked him for a long time and I still went to see him alone. That seems absurd to me.
“So you’re saying if I’m friends with him… I can’t talk to him alone regardless of the fact…”
“Yes, unless i’m there”, said S.

She continued to call me a slut and ignored me and everyone gave me cold stares as if I “stole her man”.

I walked in the hallways being called a slut in 7th grade and the teachers didn’t do anything either because S’s family donates a lot of money to the school, so me getting bullied didn’t do anything to them.
I was alone from more than half of 7th grade and at the end A cut all ties with S and other people and we decided to date a little.

It gave me some happiness and then he sent me a card on Valentine’s Day and told me he was going to Thailand for vacation. He never came back and Facebook was booming so I found him living happily and he then ended things with me online. That brought me to my first dark place…

What a piece of shit.

Valentine Memories

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I don’t think I have much of a valentine’s day story that may have had an impact or me or something. But I want to continue talking about someone i hold dear to my heart even though he took advantage of me (first story). I think I’ll cut these “love” stories into many pieces for today.

Story number one:
I met this guy who happens to me a grade below me and we became good friends. I knew he had a crush on me for a while and so did his best friend at the same time. But I didn’t see myself dating someone a grade younger than me. So let’s call him A. A was sweet, friendly, always made me feel beautiful and took me out and play video games and we would go hiking a lot together. After a 3 years of knowing him, he never pursue me. He always kept our friendship as a friendship; even though I knew he paid for meals and shopping trips without my help sometimes. Held my bag, kept me a seat during lunch, boyfriend duties.

So… on that 3rd year, he invited me over to his house as usual, and we played games. It was during the weekend and during that year of knowing, I was living in the same condo apartment as he was and i was on the 5th floor and he was on the 3rd floor. So after playing games and such, i was feeling a bit tired, and i went to a bedroom and knocked out. I don’t typically knock out in someone’s apartment so it was a bit unusual that that happened. I always wondered if he put something in my drink when he asked if i wanted a soda and he gave me a glass instead of a can. I fell asleep in a bedroom and i believe it was a guest bedroom, and as soon as I woke up, i found him on top of me kidding my non-moving lips. I was so in shocked that i pushed him off and ran out of his place and ran up to the 5th floor to my condo.

I cried, even though my clothes were on but he was on top of me and kissing my lips. And he didn’t steal my first kiss but to me it was disgusting. I saw him as a friend or even family for that matter and I have told him I will never see him any more than a friend and he understood. But he took advantage of me and my kindness. After that incident, he tried to apologize to me and i couldn’t bring myself to talk to him because I was so uncomfortable. He practically attempted to sexual assault me. I was so afraid and after that, we stopped talking more and hanging out less and not contacting after. Though, i do forgive him, i kept my distance. He added me on Facebook and we would occasionally talk, but i can’t really that we can ever be as close as we used to.

Story number 2:
I wanted to start this story with saying that this story is in relation to A’s best friend…
As I said before, i knew A’s best friend really liked me as well. Though i didn’t feel uncomfortable with having J (we’re going to call him that) to be my boyfriend. But I don’t think I was ready for that either. J was doing boyfriend duties as well, very sweet and kind. And on Valentines’ day, he asked me to come to this little neighborhood park near his apartment (probably at 12 am) and meet him at our usual hang out. So I did.

I went there and i saw rose petals. He made me a trail and it led up to the roof of his condo apartment building (it was a different one from mine). He made a trail that led up to a big heart with candles and a cake and said will you be my girlfriend. So…. I never actually gave him an answer because i didn’t want to date anyone but it’s not like I didn’t like him. So he kissed me and I kissed back to confirm my feelings. It was a confirmation for him and more of a surprise for me because i didn’t know the kiss was coming. We settled down and didn’t speak and he took me to his apartment. We didn’t hold hands, kiss after that, and arrived to his apartment. He laid out Korean food for me (he prepared it ahead of time) and made it like a romantic late dinner. I was surprised and i thought it was sweet, so i decided to do a trail run with him. It didn’t end it like how he wanted and he was heartbroken but he is still my friend today after all these years (10 years). So i hope he is well and his gestures were sweet.

Story number 3:
When i started going to school in Vietnam, i met this very trouble-making kid. He and i were in the same classes and same dance class as well. He was known to date every single girl he has ever met, but that I didn’t know him by. Let’s call him… R. R was very smooth, but loud and had no filter. I knew him because he was trying to date my older sister (who was 2 years older than him, and he was in middle school and she was in high school). I told him to back off and never talk to my sister again or I will do something about it.

So after I told him that, he redirected his amusement and interest to me. I was bending over to tie my shoes after dance class and he flipped my skirt up and everyone saw my underwear. I was so embarrassed and angry that I chased him 3 floors up in our school and slapped the living soul out of him.

After that slap, everyone in the school knew i was the one that slapped him. And i honestly didn’t care. He disrespected me, my sister and other girls.

For that, the next day in dance class, he asked me out in front of the whole class and everyone pressured me to say yes. As a 7th grader and new to the school, i didn’t know better. And I was confused and wanted to make friends or anything but not be someone’s hoe. From there, I ended up being his girlfriend and R was my first boyfriend. While dating, he would pick me up from school, we would walk and we talked about his life and I was surprised because he treated me like a queen. He held my bag, asked me about my family and tried to get to know me. My sister was skeptical because of the rumors and how he acts in school. But once he was dating me, everything seems so sweet and nice and he was doing well in school and he was being praised for being good. I felt like I was being a good influence to him. But that all changed when I found him smoking pot outside of school with his 4 years older friends. They were all seniors in high school.

Everything was going so well and I told him to please not to smoke any more and he best not lie to me because i will end it. He promised me he wouldn’t and so i took his word. Everything was dandy after that. He met my parents, he was doing well in school, we were being a regular couple and there was no issues. Until one day… He told me he was going to hang out with friends and I said sure, until I saw him smoking pot outside of a restaurant and I saw it. He thought I was getting a ride from my mom, so I wouldn’t see him smoke first hand. I told him right then and there that were were breaking up because he lied and I ran.

We didn’t speak for a few days and he didn’t go to school and I refused to talk to him. Until maybe a week after we broke up, he brought in a knife and started to threathen a new kid I was talking to and helping out to see his new school and R was jealous. He tried to stab the new kid and the teachers got a hold of him and the police came and from there he was expelled. Though after that, i didn’t hear anything from him and I was shocked that happened and he would bring a knife to school. But I can say that he was an amazing boyfriend and if I was me now in the past, I would be okay with him smoking a little bit. I was a bit of a goody two shoes.