I’m sorry.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Sorry I’ve been so bad at posting more. I can never finish what i started and I’m really trying. I have recently finished going to the therapist about my past and trying to deal with everything you all have seen. But I’ve had to overcome another issue in my life that is very present and recent.
WARNING: Dark thoughts and text. Thanks 

While going to my trip in Vietnam with my family. I was happy.

It felt like nothing that already happened mattered. And it didn’t. I felt free and happy to be able to be blessed with amazing siblings and amazing parents who support me all the way.

All i remember is shopping and eating a lot when I’m there. Playing video games and talking to my FWB at the time after the whole high school incident. I didn’t like to be alone.

My FWB was someone who was close to me. Knew all my troubles and struggles but was always a good friend. He had feelings for me and i knew that. But all i wanted was the attention of a good non abusive boyfriend. So he agreed to be my FWB. He and i started a journal where we would talk about our day and feelings (he and i were long distance and only see each other a few times a month). And it was nice.

He really wanted me to be his girlfriend.

I know he had the best intentions and he was the sweetest and kindest person i know.

But I was selfish.

I was numbed out and just wanted the physical feelings.

After a few months, i broke it off with him because i realized what an awful person i was.

He didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve him. He was too good for me.
He was devastated and wanted me to just take him but that would make me a horrible person. Even when the time is short, i had a good run. I needed to be alone for a while before college starts. And there is no way i can actually see him while I was in school.

It was a good summer fling.

But everyday as it passed. With all the good people around me. Him, my very few friends my family and my siblings.

I didn’t feel like i deserve any of this and everyday in my head, i apologize for being here.

I’m sorry for being here.